Had another realization which had to do with really getting it that my depression is not my fault.\u00a0 Somehow I\u2019ve always assumed that because I couldn\u2019t make it go away, I had to be \u201cholding on\u201d to it. \u00a0This is a common invalidation by people who don’t want to know about your depression. \u00a0Hearing it over and over just reinforced what my father said a time long ago. \u00a0I would have been a senior in High School, and he\u00a0said to me \u201cYou just want to be miserable.\u201d\u00a0 I wrote it in my journal, and also wrote that I didn\u2019t want to. (What I actually wrote in November 1959 was \u201cDaddy says I’m unhappy because I want to be but I hate being miserable.\u201d) \u00a0At the time I had lost any\u00a0respect I had ever had for my father and I had no idea how much power a parent continues to hold over a child.\u00a0 As the years went by, and I struggled to get rid of, to change, to ignore depression, and nothing worked, I think I did begin buying into the idea that I must be causing it or wanting it or refusing to let go of it.\u00a0 It was buried deep in my subconscious, or maybe in my unconscious, wherever such things hide so you won\u2019t be aware of them.<\/p>\n
Recently I was watching a video where the speaker said \u201cDepression is not your fault,\u201d and I felt something inside me was very uncomfortable with this idea.<\/p>\n
I think it took several days to really sink in, and then I found myself thinking \u201cI was traumatized<\/span> by someone else<\/span>.\u00a0 My depression is not my fault<\/span>.\u00a0 The fact that I can\u2019t \u201cjust get rid of it\u201d is a testimony to its power, and to the long hard work of healing PTSD.”<\/p>\n Sitting here quietly, Mocha warm against me, cup of tea, I feel absolution.\u00a0 I feel like a great weight has lifted off my shoulders.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Had another realization which had to do with really getting it that my depression is not my fault.\u00a0 Somehow I\u2019ve always assumed that because I couldn\u2019t make it go away, I had to be \u201cholding on\u201d to it. \u00a0This is … Continue reading