{"id":4983,"date":"2015-12-23T20:58:40","date_gmt":"2015-12-24T01:58:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4983"},"modified":"2015-12-27T10:56:10","modified_gmt":"2015-12-27T15:56:10","slug":"struggle-to-fit-the-pieces-together","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4983","title":{"rendered":"Struggle to Fit the Pieces Together"},"content":{"rendered":"

A good session with Erica.\u00a0 I drove home feeling much better \u2014 a warmth in my belly \u2014 and did my best to savor it.\u00a0 We talked about the child needing to see themselves in the gaze of a loving and empathetic adult.\u00a0 Erica said she had watched the Journey Into Courage<\/a> video and thought I was beautiful.\u00a0 I struggle with that because, especially in the interview, I look (to myself) like such a clown.\u00a0 She also said she saw \u201ckindness.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s another word that just baffles me.\u00a0 Elizabeth said that\u2019s how she first perceived me, \u201ckind.\u201d\u00a0 I remember the little book about the \u201cWonder Flower\u201d<\/a> and how she said to the King \u201cyou are not kind.\u201d\u00a0 So it was something I understood and valued, even then.\u00a0 (Someone who knows children\u2019s art said it was about 4th grade \u2014 10 years old.)\u00a0 But I never thought of it as applying to myself.\u00a0 Erica suggested I try to see myself through her eyes.\u00a0 I\u2019ve tried without success, but\u00a0I guess I\u2019ll have to keep trying because the person she sees is closer to who I really am than the one that I experience.<\/p>\n

But \u201ckind\u201d?\u00a0 Certainly, having been hurt so many times by a mean mother left me very fierce about not being mean, not hurting anyone.\u00a0 So does that result in kindness?\u00a0 The times I think of, and regret, were when I said something hurtful, or in a misleading tone of voice, and immediately wanted to take it back (\u201cI\u2019m sorry, I didn\u2019t mean that how it sounded\u201d) but wasn\u2019t able to.\u00a0 I think my inability to make amends was a result of Mother\u2019s refusal to forgive me for anything.\u00a0 I learned that there was no way to make amends, no way to repair a mistake.\u00a0 (\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Mommy, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWell just don\u2019t do it again!\u201d)\u00a0 Of course, because I immediately forget the events that taught me, I thought that was who I was, not what I was taught.\u00a0 (The quotes above were from a movie, \u201cMommie Dearest<\/a>,\u201d which was how I learned what happened to me.)\u00a0 I think about the time when I picked up some medication for mom on my way back from lunch with Aunt Betty.\u00a0 Did she say \u201cThank you\u201d?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 She said (in a nasty voice) \u201cThey weren\u2019t going to bring it, were they.\u201d<\/p>\n

Erica actually got angry at the fact that I thought so little of myself.\u00a0 It was like she said this kind generous enthusiastic being has been robbed of who she might have been.\u00a0 That should not have happened.\u00a0 What does that feel like, writing it down?\u00a0 I feel blank.\u00a0 I want to turn to someone I trust and ask if it\u2019s true.\u00a0 I want to cry.\u00a0 It\u2019s like the damage to the earth.\u00a0 Something beautiful and alive being trashed by someone who doesn\u2019t know what she\u2019s doing. \u00a0Erica also said I was \u201cengaged,\u201d open, curious, eager and vulnerable, that there was a light shining in me.<\/p>\n

Note from session with Erica 11\/6\/15<\/p>\n

\u201cCore wound \u2014 something will punish me if I allow myself to be just how I am\u201d<\/p>\n

From feeling very confused \u2014 o gosh I have an image of a cloud of dust as though there was a lot of fighting going on \u2014 now I think it\u2019s less like a fight, more like a bunch of pieces trying to find where they belong.\u00a0 But now I\u2019ve slid into a gentle sadness.\u00a0 To receive sadness and hold it, to make room for it inside me.<\/p>\n

I feel a deep sadness because here is this marvelous person, and I haven\u2019t appreciated her at all.\u00a0 Even worse, I\u2019ve treated her very badly.\u00a0 I\u2019ve come to this place before.\u00a0 Why is it important for me to realize that I\u2019m a good person, and the work I do supports the whole world?\u00a0 Because then I could be OK with myself, would be able to forget myself, would be able to do whatever I do without second guessing or criticizing or minimizing what I do.<\/p>\n

Actually I don\u2019t have to know that I\u2019m \u201cgood,\u201d I just have to really get it that I\u2019m OK just as I am.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had days like that, I called them \u201cDays of Grace<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t believe I actually wrote: \u201cthe person she sees is closer to who I really am than the one that I experience.\u201d\u00a0 I think I must be starting to get it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A good session with Erica.\u00a0 I drove home feeling much better \u2014 a warmth in my belly \u2014 and did my best to savor it.\u00a0 We talked about the child needing to see themselves in the gaze of a loving … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,9,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4983","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-journal","category-present-day"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4983","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4983"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4983\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4983"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4983"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4983"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}