{"id":4955,"date":"2015-12-18T13:10:45","date_gmt":"2015-12-18T18:10:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4955"},"modified":"2021-12-13T08:50:26","modified_gmt":"2021-12-13T13:50:26","slug":"my-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4955","title":{"rendered":"My Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

[This<\/em> is a very long post.\u00a0 I\u2019ve done my best to edit it, but I\u2019ve also had to add explanatory material.\u00a0 I\u2019ve put in comments from the present, in square brackets and italics.\u00a0 I think the length of it is important as it shows the struggle to change an old pattern.\u00a0 It\u2019s also possible to see the fight between the part of me who wants to stay with the discipline of being present to my depression, to whatever I\u2019m feeling in the moment, and the part of me who\u2019s been conditioned to believe that I don\u2019t have any worth unless I \u201cdo things.\u201d\u00a0 It surprises me how often a statement of one side is followed by a statement of the other.<\/i>]<\/p>\n

Wednesday<\/strong><\/p>\n

Feeling very bleak.\u00a0 Waves of meaninglessness.\u00a0 Can I \u201clean into\u201d meaninglessness?\u00a0 What does it feel like in my body?\u00a0 Grey and flat. tired.\u00a0 A downward pull that isn\u2019t really weight. \u00a0I try to soften around it and my heart starts to ache.\u00a0 I go off into imaginary conversations.\u00a0 Something eases.\u00a0 It\u2019s like I lay down by the side of the road for a while.\u00a0 Now I\u2019m ready to get up and go on.\u00a0 But I don\u2019t see any point to it. Maybe I’m just trying to get away from the pain.\u00a0 Maybe I should stay with it as Pema Chodron<\/a> says.\u00a0 I am partly trying to be with it and partly trying to make it go away, which of course doesn’t work.\u00a0 Can I make friends with meaninglessness?<\/p>\n

I see a baby sitting in front of me.\u00a0 She\u2019s covered with dirt.\u00a0 Mud or shit or both.\u00a0 The mud of Flanders.\u00a0 Something moves in my heart.\u00a0 At least I can pick her up and clean her off. \u00a0I pick up the baby and carry her to a place where there\u2019s warm water (this is a war zone, how can there be warm water?)\u00a0 I clean her off.\u00a0 She is crying.\u00a0 I\u2019m as gentle as I can be.\u00a0 I talk to her soothingly.\u00a0 Finally she is clean \u2014 well, no, I can\u2019t get that far.\u00a0 This is a metaphor for my life and I\u2019m still working on cleaning the baby.<\/p>\n

[The mud of Flanders and the war zone are WWI, also known as The “Great War.” \u00a0The novels I have been reading, by Jacqueline Winspear<\/a>, are about the time after WWI, when PTSD was called “shell-shock” and also was thought to be imaginary, and a result of “low moral fiber.” \u00a0Winspear’s treatment of PTSD is knowledgable and sympathetic.<\/em>]<\/p>\n

Feeling scared and sad. and helpless.\u00a0 Trying to stay with it, soften around it without success.\u00a0 I must be angry with myself for being back in this place.<\/p>\n

Feeling sad and lonely.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been working on Pema Chodron\u2019s instruction to stay with my sadness with gentleness.\u00a0 I think the anger has disappeared.<\/p>\n

Thursday<\/strong><\/p>\n

I worked all day yesterday on being gentle with myself, gentle with the pain I was feeling.\u00a0 It did help some, the anger faded and I was left with sadness.\u00a0 When I read Pema Chodron years ago, I felt that she didn\u2019t have anything to say to me.\u00a0 She talked about anger and jealousy and blame, and I just don\u2019t do those things.\u00a0 What I missed was \u201cblame yourself,\u201d which I do all the time, and the instructions to \u201cbe gentle with yourself.\u201d\u00a0 I just couldn\u2019t take\u00a0it in.\u00a0 Now I see the importance of being kind to myself and am doing my best to practice it.\u00a0 I imagine holding Little Jenny with the Dar Gorani look<\/a> on my lap.\u00a0 I say \u201cthere there\u201d and try to comfort her but she can\u2019t soften.\u00a0 So I just hold her.<\/p>\n

What am I feeling?\u00a0 Instead of calling it depression.\u00a0 There\u2019s a weight in my heart, some tension in my forehead, a sense of energy being drained out.\u00a0 Sad and grieving.\u00a0 I think of what Erica said: she sees me holding on to justice, peace, compassion, every day, in the face of horror, chaos, cruelty, and being alone.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel feelings of peace and compassion, but can I hold on to them intellectually?\u00a0 morally?\u00a0 I think of them as being what I want, what I choose, even in the face of massive evidence that the world is heading into darkness.<\/p>\n

[“Horror, chaos, cruelty” are from the world around me and also from a flashback to infancy and what it felt like.<\/em>]<\/p>\n

Friday<\/strong><\/p>\n

Was OK last night, woke up in this grim bleak place again.\u00a0 I notice that if I start thinking about something, it distracts me from the bleak feeling, but there\u2019s nothing I can do to make it go away.\u00a0 I am powerless over depression.\u00a0 It\u2019s not my fault that I feel like this and I\u2019m not supposed to pull myself up and do<\/span> something.\u00a0 The only thing I know to do is practice being gentle with myself.\u00a0 Imagine holding the 4-yr-old who is frozen.<\/p>\n

Go back and find what Erica said:\u00a0 \u201cYou work so hard to hold on to goodness, love, justice, but you are isolated, not surrounded by others.\u00a0 Daily you pick up this battle, for love, truth, voices being heard.\u00a0 That is not<\/span> a fragile soul.\u00a0 You may be weary, but not fragile.\u201d<\/p>\n

Notes from phone call with Erica:<\/p>\n

Effort for transformation, wholeheartedness, authentic power and its expression, a big effort, all around keeping the voices alive.\u00a0 Fighting on behalf of truth, love, social justice, every day, even though it\u2019s hard to make a meal. \u00a0You are a warrioress.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

After the call with Erica.\u00a0 Feeling as cold as I did in the “Beatnik Room” we made in the top floor of our house in Maine, when I went there in the fall. \u00a0This was after the boy I thought was going to be my boyfriend fell in love with my best friend.<\/p>\n

Feeling kind of exploded.\u00a0 As Erica talked about me I felt the space in my chest grow larger and if I took in a deep breath I could break open.\u00a0 I understand that her contradicting my experience\u00a0of who I am is knocking apart the basic structure by which I understand myself.\u00a0 I think of what Dr. Fried said to Deborah\u2019s parents.
\n[“Her sickness is the only solid ground she has. \u00a0She and I are hacking away at that ground on which she stands.” \u00a0I Never Promised You a Rose Garden<\/a>, p109<\/em>]<\/p>\n

I told Lynelle about my effort to stay with depression\u00a0and she said it was very good work and to stick with it.\u00a0 I said I had practical things I needed to do, she said \u201cForget them.\u00a0 What you are doing is far more important.\u201d<\/p>\n

[I\u2019m so grateful to have a friend who can validate me because she has been there.<\/i>]<\/p>\n

Saturday<\/strong><\/p>\n

Woke up early with a bad headache.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel like writing or reading or typing or playing solitaire.\u00a0 I just want to lie down. and keep repeating \u201cLove, truth, justice.\u201d<\/p>\n

Feeling very cold and empty.\u00a0 Reminds me of that first winter in Portland, Maine. \u00a0I had just come back from California, feeling completely defeated. \u00a0It was the winter of ’70-’71, there was a huge amount of snow, and it was VERY cold.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m reading\u00a0Maisie Dobbs \u2014 Messenger of Truth<\/a>.\u00a0 I think I\u2019m comforted by the memories of the horrors of the war, and Maisie\u2019s own struggles with her past.<\/p>\n

Despite my feelings of tiredness and weakness, I\u2019d like to try building a fire.<\/p>\n

I did build it.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been feeling cold.\u00a0 I\u2019m also feeling sad, and then some uncertainty.\u00a0 Not sure if what I\u2019m doing will really help.\u00a0 Wondering how long it will take, how long I will have to hang out with these feelings. \u00a0I don\u2019t feel lonely, I don\u2019t feel any desire to call anyone.<\/p>\n

Sunday<\/strong><\/p>\n

Feeling sad and blank.\u00a0 Lost in some dreary place.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019m doing something real any more.\u00a0 Feel like I\u2019m sitting on the sidelines, life is passing me by.\u00a0 But that\u2019s not really true.\u00a0 It\u2019s conventional life \u2014 home, children, career, etc. \u2014 that\u2019s passing by, and I chose not to do it, or at least not to make it a priority.<\/p>\n

Thinking about when I got back from Europe, feeling battered by \u201clife,\u201d feeling like a failure compared with my traveling companion, wanting to hide.\u00a0 I needed a refuge and someone who would comfort me, help me, but instead I went \u201chome,\u201d and that year was so awful, so un-nourishing, that I fled to California trying to get away from the pain.<\/p>\n

California just exploded me.\u00a0 It was too much for my psyche which was lacking in basic social skills.\u00a0 Desperately trying to find someone to love me so I could feel OK.\u00a0 My heart just aches for that girl.\u00a0 So wounded and with no idea of what had happened to her.\u00a0 Thinking she was defective, a failure at being human.\u00a0 She was overwhelmed, and had no one, no good friend with whom she felt safe and could process what was happening to her.<\/p>\n

Thinking of what Erica said:
\n1) I\u2019m afraid I\u2019m not doing enough for the world
\n2) I don\u2019t recognize what I\u2019m actually doing
\n3) I wish it weren\u2019t so hard.
\nShe said these are ways I diminish myself.<\/p>\n

My attempt to understand what she meant
\n1) \u2014 that continual push instead of acceptance of being OK just as I am.
\n2) \u2014 don’t see that my actions are accomplishing anything “worthwhile.”
\n3) \u2014 making myself wrong for finding it difficult, failing to recognize the damage that makes it hard, and the courage and determination I put into the effort.<\/p>\n

Right now I just feel like a complete failure.<\/p>\n

[After I\u2019ve said I have courage and determination, I say I\u2019m a \u201cfailure.\u201d<\/i>]<\/p>\n

My heart aches.\u00a0 Actually it\u2019s my whole chest that aches.\u00a0 I think I\u2019m also angry at myself that I can\u2019t seem to make an effort \u2014 to walk the dog, to do the dishes, to keep up with the mail…<\/p>\n

[This is the core of the struggle between staying with my unpleasant feelings and going down the path of the old pattern.<\/em>]<\/p>\n

Monday<\/strong><\/p>\n

The first thing I do when I wake up is pat Mocha.\u00a0 Then I get up, reciting \u201cGoodness, peace, mercy, justice, kindness…\u201d<\/p>\n

Yesterday was tough.\u00a0 I was so badly depressed that I couldn\u2019t do much of anything except read Winspear<\/a>.\u00a0 Periodically I would get angry at myself for \u201cnot doing anything.\u201d \u00a0Then I would remind myself that I was working to stay with it, and try to surround the sad part of myself with softness.<\/p>\n

Lynelle reminded me of tonglen<\/a>.\u00a0 So I breathe in the feeling of yesterday, dead grey frozen, and I breathe out comfort.\u00a0 In the book I was reading, Maisie wanted comfort and she could go to her father.\u00a0 I envy her.<\/p>\n

Did tong-len for a while and my heart got very cold.<\/p>\n

Driving over to Barbara\u2019s, it occurred to me, that damaged as much as I am, I have actually done a lot with my life.\u00a0 I\u2019ve taken a stand for peace, for justice, I\u2019ve signed petitions, I even refused to pay my taxes during the war in Vietnam.\u00a0 I participated in Journey Into Courage<\/a>, and built Neskaya<\/a>.\u00a0 I taught writers\u2019 groups and one of my students went on to teach writing groups that produced material that could be read on stage.\u00a0 I remember the women, both therapists, one at a peace conference, and the other at my talk at the UU<\/a>, who said \u201cWhat you have done is huge<\/span>.\u201d\u00a0 They have worked with people, just as damaged, who have stayed stuck in their victimhood.\u00a0 Jane brought food, and I told her I was depressed because the work I\u2019m doing in therapy brings up very deep material. She said \u201cPeople get on medication and stop, they don\u2019t ever do the work.\u00a0 It takes real bravery to do the work.\u201d<\/p>\n

[Doing this practice, of being with whatever I was feeling, no matter how painful, for almost a week, has been helpful.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen a change over these days, though it\u2019s small.\u00a0 Well maybe not so small (diminishing myself again).\u00a0 What\u2019s big is that I think letting myself really feel it, really feel how incapacitated I am, how much I have to push myself to \u201cget something done,\u201d I really understand how hard I\u2019ve had to work to do what I have done.\u00a0 I\u2019m still seeing this only intellectually, but that\u2019s where I have to start.<\/i>]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[This is a very long post.\u00a0 I\u2019ve done my best to edit it, but I\u2019ve also had to add explanatory material.\u00a0 I\u2019ve put in comments from the present, in square brackets and italics.\u00a0 I think the length of it is … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4955","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4955","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4955"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4955\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4955"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4955"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4955"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}