From my journal for Thursday, December 3:<\/p>\n
Raining.\u00a0 Bleak.\u00a0 Nothing to look forward to.\u00a0 A chill in my heart. \u00a0Bring compassion to my chilled heart.\u00a0 Something stops me.\u00a0 I stay frozen.\u00a0 I put my arms around the frozen child.\u00a0 She stays stiff.\u00a0 I think if I hold her long enough I can warm her.\u00a0 My holding her softens, but the frozen part stays frozen.\u00a0 So I have them both at the same time.\u00a0 Now it\u2019s just a heavy ache in my heart.\u00a0 I also try to feel compassion for the one who wants to take in the love others have for her, and can\u2019t do it.\u00a0 I\u2019m angry at myself for being how I am.\u00a0 So painful.\u00a0 Please, can I accept myself exactly as I am?\u00a0 Please help me.\u00a0 I just want to lie down and quit.<\/p>\n
Second cup of tea.\u00a0 Feeling disappointed in myself.\u00a0 I accept that I am disappointed in myself.\u00a0 I see that I\u2019m trying to accept to make it go away so I\u2019m not really accepting.\u00a0 What a tangled knot.\u00a0 I hold the tangled knot that I am with compassion \u2014 real compassion.\u00a0 The poor dear, to be caught in such a tangle.<\/p>\n
Mark Nepo in Darkness Before Dawn<\/a>:<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is authentic expression that moves us further in our life of transformation.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhile the role of expression is to be a continual catalyst for transformation, depression is a cramp in the muscle of the soul that prevents us from continuing to express.\u00a0 What is not ex<\/i><\/strong>pressed is de<\/i><\/strong>pressed.\u00a0 It\u2019s important to say that the grip of depression is no one\u2019s fault, any more than pneumonia is anyone\u2019s fault…<\/p>\n
\u201cThe pain of depression becomes acute when the depths of awakening \u2014 all the feeling and struggle and difficulty \u2014 get cramped or paralyzed, and we feel incompetent as we get stuck.\u00a0 Depression locks us in a downward spiral in which we can\u2019t access the full spectrum of human moods…\u201d \u00a0 \u00a0 pp163-4<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I\u2019m feeling really depressed.\u00a0 I\u2019m so discouraged, and I\u2019m angry at myself for being discouraged.\u00a0 I try to step back and feel compassion for the one in me who can\u2019t feel compassion for herself for being discouraged.\u00a0 It feels like going through the motions.\u00a0 Life feels dull and meaningless and I\u2019m angry at myself for not enjoying every moment but wasting time reading a book instead.\u00a0 Angry at myself that I can\u2019t make a difference to all the things that are going wrong in the world.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been playing Solitaire and finding it painful and difficult instead of distracting.\u00a0 I thought of writing KS that I\u2019m badly depressed but I\u2019ve chickened out.\u00a0 I have been typing journal but it barely feels worthwhile.\u00a0 I\u2019m wishing I had the focus or the energy or something that I\u2019m missing which would help me do a blog post.\u00a0 Being able to post makes me feel like I\u2019m EXpressing not DEpressing as Mark Nepo says.<\/p>\n
Today, Friday, I’m feeling enough better to type up what I’ve written and post it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for Thursday, December 3: Raining.\u00a0 Bleak.\u00a0 Nothing to look forward to.\u00a0 A chill in my heart. \u00a0Bring compassion to my chilled heart.\u00a0 Something stops me.\u00a0 I stay frozen.\u00a0 I put my arms around the frozen child.\u00a0 She … Continue reading