{"id":4930,"date":"2015-11-26T10:00:01","date_gmt":"2015-11-26T15:00:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4930"},"modified":"2021-12-13T08:39:29","modified_gmt":"2021-12-13T13:39:29","slug":"ongoing-struggle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4930","title":{"rendered":"Ongoing Struggle"},"content":{"rendered":"

Went down to see Barbara.\u00a0 She was depressed too.\u00a0 We took the dogs for a walk.\u00a0 We watched Bernie\u2019s speech to Liberty University<\/a>.\u00a0 It was heartening.<\/p>\n

When I came home I got sucked into the parenting book.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t stop reading, even though I was overwhelmed and in pain. and confusion.\u00a0 One thing that helped was that they said writing about your emotional experiences reflectively can\u00a0help you process them.<\/p>\n

Feeling sad, discouraged, and confused.\u00a0 And I still have the practical tasks to work on: car recall, senior housing, deal with solar, etc.<\/p>\n

So tired.\u00a0 Mocha next to me, the warmth is comforting.<\/p>\n

I see that Kindred Spirits awakened in me a deep longing for such a community.\u00a0 The suggestion that Kendal might do it seemed like a gift. and I wanted to move in right away.\u00a0 Now I have given that up – that it would be quick and easy.\u00a0 I need to explore as many options as I can find.<\/p>\n

I am profoundly depressed.\u00a0 Sad, discouraged, confused.\u00a0 I can\u2019t read any of the books I\u2019ve got.\u00a0 They\u2019re too difficult and not comforting.\u00a0 The parenting one makes me feel stuck in my dysfunction.\u00a0 The one about God and the Universe writes as though the Big Bang were fact.\u00a0 The one about \u2018open question,\u2019 is Buddhist, talks about staying in the present, not looking for security.\u00a0 I tried to look at one of the articles in the depression book, but he talked about his depression spontaneously going away and having spaciousness instead.\u00a0 (p69)\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t tell me what to do.<\/p>\n

The only thing I know to do is to be in the present as much as possible.\u00a0 Right now the present is full of pain.\u00a0 My heart hurts, feels squeezed, my head feels battered.\u00a0 Can I bring compassion to myself?<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s this woman, traumatized in infancy.\u00a0 As a result she\u2019s suffered from severe depression and periods of terror for most of her life.\u00a0 She\u2019s done a lot of things, tried a lot of \u201ctherapies\u201d in an attempt to heal.\u00a0 Some of them have worked.\u00a0 But right now nothing seems to be working.\u00a0 Not-knowing what to do is a serious trigger for her.\u00a0 Figuring it out intellectually was the only coping skill she had in her childhood.\u00a0 \u201cNot-knowing\u201d is described by the Buddhist as a \u201criveting place to be\u201d a place of great learning if you can stay open to whatever happens.” \u00a0(p2)\u00a0 That just seems totally impossible to me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Went down to see Barbara.\u00a0 She was depressed too.\u00a0 We took the dogs for a walk.\u00a0 We watched Bernie\u2019s speech to Liberty University.\u00a0 It was heartening. When I came home I got sucked into the parenting book.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t stop reading, … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,4,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4930","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-trauma","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4930","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4930"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4930\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4930"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4930"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4930"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}