From my journal for October 10<\/p>\n
Had trouble going to sleep & woke early.\u00a0 Lying there, counting my breaths, I had a momentary qualm \u201cwhat is the point of my life?\u201d\u00a0 I realize I usually ask it intellectually, when it\u2019s become really hard to keep going.\u00a0 But this morning it was just a profound feeling of meaninglessness.<\/p>\n
Recently I\u2019ve been struggling with the concept of uncertainty, of mutability, of things always changing.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been desperately wanting security.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been somewhat annoyed with myself for this \u201ccowardice,\u201d but thinking more about it I see that it\u2019s not external security I want so much as a stable platform inside me, a container that will hold me while I experience the constant changing.\u00a0 I imagine that change for me has always been negative.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure that\u2019s true, I need to look at concrete evidence which is not showing itself right now.\u00a0 What I feel, when I think of things changing, is the rug being pulled out from under me, the chill down my back when yet another man tells me he\u2019s got someone else.<\/p>\n
Maybe it doesn\u2019t have so much to do with security as with attachment.\u00a0 Erica said yesterday: the babies want \u201cto be sure they will be cared for adequately.\u201d\u00a0 I need more support to be able to guarantee that.\u00a0 Erica also said change for me has been traumatic, trying to attach to someone who was numb, who wasn\u2019t there.<\/p>\n
I try to imagine holding the babies, feeling that warm sense of them snuggling, and it\u2019s not there.\u00a0 What\u2019s there, in my heart and gut, is pain like a tight cramp, not relaxed and warm.\u00a0 What happened?\u00a0 Now I feel the cold, the chill of abandonment.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s that the babies were uncomfortable with my friend who didn\u2019t understand my upset with Barbara not getting back to me. \u00a0That triggers the trauma of abandonment. \u00a0Maybe it\u2019s because I paid more attention to the teenagers who didn\u2019t want to cuddle.\u00a0 I wanted to have a conversation with the 12-yr-old and the 17-yr-old.<\/p>\n
Dog comes, curls up next to me.\u00a0 I feel the warmth of her body and the warmth of my gratitude and love.<\/p>\n
Asking the babies what happened, why are they uncomfortable.\u00a0 I get a sense of mistrust, they are afraid I will abandon them.\u00a0 O my dears, I am so sorry.\u00a0 It\u2019s true I got preoccupied with other things, but I have no intention of leaving you.\u00a0 What I got completely submerged in was the question of finding enough support for me, so I can care for you adequately.\u00a0 I need a certain level of care for myself.\u00a0 Erica said I had built some support for myself: Neskaya, choir, friends I feel safe with, but it was turning out not to be enough.\u00a0 Going to Kindred Spirits showed me how I would be with an adequate level of support.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for October 10 Had trouble going to sleep & woke early.\u00a0 Lying there, counting my breaths, I had a momentary qualm \u201cwhat is the point of my life?\u201d\u00a0 I realize I usually ask it intellectually, when it\u2019s … Continue reading