I have always done my best to be grateful, in opposition to my mother who managed to find something wrong with everything. \u00a0(See 4th of July Monologue) \u00a0She could also hold a grudge for many years. \u00a0I have done my best not to do that. \u00a0I have an early journal entry where I describe her and say I don’t want to be like her and I will never write about her again.<\/p>\n
Before I got on medication I was finding it really hard to enjoy things, and I was cross with myself because I thought I was doing it on purpose. \u00a0When I finally got to a counselor who specialized in mood disorders, she told me that enjoyment depended on brain chemistry. \u00a0Depression brain chemistry prevents enjoyment. \u00a0That was a huge relief to me, and I noticed that it was true as I cycled between depression and normal. \u00a0I realized that appreciation can be done with the intellect, but real enjoyment requires participation of more of the self.<\/p>\n
I’ve had a similar problem with gratitude. \u00a0I was talking to a friend recently, who just amazed me by being grateful for everything in her life, even the bad things because they led to waking up. \u00a0I envied her. \u00a0It is very hard for me to feel grateful for the things in my life that I know are good. \u00a0Possibly it’s a similar situation. \u00a0I can intellectually list the things I should be grateful for, but I rarely actually feel the gratitude. \u00a0Perhaps it’s not that I’m an ungrateful person, but that being able to feel grateful requires the right brain chemistry.<\/p>\n
People often talk about the “gift of life.” \u00a0I have a hard time with this, and so does my friend Eleanor who lives with very early and multiple trauma. \u00a0Sometimes I think she has the hardest life I know of. \u00a0I told her I felt like the “gift of life” came to me smashed. \u00a0She said she felt the same way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have always done my best to be grateful, in opposition to my mother who managed to find something wrong with everything. \u00a0(See 4th of July Monologue) \u00a0She could also hold a grudge for many years. \u00a0I have done my … Continue reading