After I posted the piece about my morning routine, I had a shame attack: \u201cHow can I complain when there are so many people who have much harder mornings…\u201d\u00a0 I was very upset at posting that material and was going to write an apology and post it.\u00a0 But I had to go to Hanover for my appointment with Erica.<\/p>\n
I told her what I had written and how ashamed I was.\u00a0 I said \u201cHow can I complain when I think of a mother of three who has to get them dressed and ready for school….\u201d\u00a0 Erica said \u201cIt\u2019s not a fair comparison.\u00a0 You are comparing yourself to a 30 yr old who has a lot more energy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Went back to see what I had said in my journal on October 24.<\/p>\n
Now I\u2019m feeling really stupid to have filled out all the details and posted it.\u00a0 What\u2019s the big deal?\u00a0 Lots of people have much more to do in 3 hrs in the morning than you do.\u00a0 What was I trying to do?\u00a0 Give myself credit for what I manage to get done?\u00a0 Tell other people how hard my life is?\u00a0 There are people who have to walk a mile to get a bucket of water to make breakfast for their children.\u00a0 Does that make me feel lucky?\u00a0 No, it makes me feel guilty.<\/p>\n
Maybe I wrote down all the details to prove to myself how much I actually do.\u00a0 It was feeling like a terrible chore, a chore you have to do, but it takes energy and focus, and I don\u2019t have those when I\u2019m depressed.\u00a0 I also notice that it\u2019s all about self-care, something I really have a hard time with when I\u2019m depressed.\u00a0 Never do I feel satisfied with getting it done \u2014 actually I never get it done, there\u2019s more I have to do in a day.\u00a0 I suppose I\u2019m angry at myself for spending so much time and energy on self-care, when there are so many people out there who need help.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Erica said that the shame reflects a belief that I\u2019m not allowed to matter.\u00a0 I have to do all that, taking supplements, etc, against that wind of \u201cyou don\u2019t deserve care.\u201d\u00a0 I also have to do it, not because I love or value myself but just to keep from being a nuisance.\u00a0 Erica says that the self-care I do manifests that I matter.\u00a0 I have a very hard time getting it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
After I posted the piece about my morning routine, I had a shame attack: \u201cHow can I complain when there are so many people who have much harder mornings…\u201d\u00a0 I was very upset at posting that material and was going … Continue reading