Monday, October 5<\/p>\n
Bleak.\u00a0 Very discouraged.\u00a0 Got up to shit. To tired to make tea.\u00a0 Went back to bed, but totally unable to think of anything that would make me feel better.<\/p>\n
Enjoying my life is not important. \u00a0Doing something meaningful or worthwhile is.<\/p>\n
I see that what makes the biggest difference in how I feel \u2014 and how I can function \u2014 is whether there are people around or if I\u2019m alone.\u00a0 For a long time that didn\u2019t make a difference in my life, I was in denial of my feelings of abandonment.<\/p>\n
A friend called and tried to cheer me up.\u00a0 Mistake.\u00a0 Maybe I shouldn\u2019t have answered.\u00a0 I told her about Barbara not calling me back, but she didn\u2019t get it, said I should have called Barbara again.\u00a0 She could be right, but I needed someone to understand that I just couldn\u2019t do it, that I was badly triggered by calling for help and getting no answer.\u00a0 Too much like what happened to me as a baby.<\/p>\n
I think that\u2019s what\u2019s being hardest and most discouraging is that I get cheered up, inspired, by a good conversation or a good book, and I have good energy for a day or two, but then I collapse immediately if there isn\u2019t moral support to sustain it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t see what I can do about it, and that makes me feel hopeless and helpless, I get triggered into the state of an infant who is truly helpless.<\/p>\n
I really don\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0 Lying in bed this morning, trying to find something that would hold me, I couldn\u2019t think of anything \u2014 no poem, no prayer, no sense of God or Jesus.\u00a0 I did have Fire & Rain<\/a> in my head:\u00a0 \u201cBeen walkin\u2019 my mind through an easy time, my back turned toward the sun, doncha know when the cold wind blows it\u2019ll turn your head around…\u201d<\/p>\n Occasionally it hits me that I very selfishly want to stop being unhappy \u2014 there are so many people out there in the world who are having a much harder time.\u00a0 Sometimes, thinking about them makes me realize that I\u2019m not alone, I\u2019m part of a huge group of people.\u00a0 I think that the ones struggling with depression know exactly how I feel.<\/p>\n Of course the other thing that\u2019s weighing on me is the question of how to find the senior housing that will be right for me. \u00a0It’s getting too hard just to get through the day, not to mention those extra chores that have to do with maintaining a house and car. \u00a0I looked at Kendal<\/a>, which is in some ways ideal, but I\u2019m not sure how easily I could find friends.\u00a0 The idea of spending time researching places scares me.\u00a0 Disappointments, like Cobb Hill<\/a>, set me back.\u00a0 Cobb Hill is an eco-community, which appeals to me, but all I can do is buy a small house, and I need a place that offers regular meals as well as community housing.\u00a0 I desperately need a refuge now<\/span>, not two years or more in the future.<\/p>\n I lost my TWLOHA<\/a> bracelet, I can\u2019t imagine where.\u00a0 The only times I take it off are to shower and for massage.\u00a0 At first I missed it badly, it connected me with a population struggling with depression and self-injury (nicer word than self-mutilation).\u00a0 Now it\u2019s faded into the greyness along with everything else.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Monday, October 5 Bleak.\u00a0 Very discouraged.\u00a0 Got up to shit. To tired to make tea.\u00a0 Went back to bed, but totally unable to think of anything that would make me feel better. Enjoying my life is not important. \u00a0Doing something … Continue reading