The original title of this blog was \u201cLiving with PTSD.\u201d\u00a0 A friend suggested I change it to \u201cHealing from PTSD,\u201d which is certainly more affirming.\u00a0 Yes, it\u2019s true that I have healed a lot.\u00a0 Unfortunately, the result of that healing is not that I can do my life with any enjoyment \u2014 which is all I ask, I don\u2019t want to live a bigger life or do exciting things, I would be happy with the life I have if it weren\u2019t for PTSD \u2014 what healing allows me to do is descend into deeper layers of the pain.<\/p>\n
Bessel Van Der Kolk, along with some other top researchers\/practitioners in the field of PTSD, tried to have a description of a different version put in the DSM (whatever that means, I know it has to do with the \u201cofficial\u201d description of a diagnosis) for people who had been traumatized very early in their lives.\u00a0 The idea was to have a description of the traumatic developmental disorder that results when someone is traumatized before their brain and nervous system has a chance to develop.\u00a0 That\u2019s what happened to me, which is why I\u2019m having to navigate in this very confusing non-verbal realm, and finding it very heard to do \u201cordinary things\u201d that let me get through the day.\u00a0 Trying to do more difficult things without support is too difficult \u2014 which is why I had my friend Lynelle sit with me while I do the Vitacost order.<\/p>\n
I’m not sure that the journal entry really gives a sense of what it’s like. \u00a0Everything feels like a chore, like walking through concrete, and then I have to stop for a while. \u00a0Then do the next thing. \u00a0It just feels so much harder than usual.<\/p>\n
Tuesday’s journal entry:<\/p>\n
Woke up with an ache in my heart.\u00a0 Yesterday was really hard.\u00a0 In the morning I went to Neskaya to help Kayla put together the playlist for the first night of camp.\u00a0 We did that, then she worked on putting it in order and marking with stars for who should teach it.\u00a0 I began to feel uncomfortable but I hung in there to support Kayla.\u00a0 Finally I was able to leave and go home and hide.<\/p>\n
I came home and collapsed.\u00a0 Played Solitaire.\u00a0 I must have read, I don\u2019t think I was capable of typing journal.\u00a0 Managed lunch.<\/p>\n
Forgot.\u00a0 Before I went to Neskaya I did a big load of dishes.\u00a0 I had run out of spoons & bowls, so I just washed those and left the rest.<\/p>\n
Lynelle wanted me to pick her up at FAST at 2:00, so after lunch I took Mocha up to upper GG.\u00a0 It was hot so we just went to the first fir gate \u2014 about 25 minutes round trip.\u00a0 When we got back, I followed Lynelle to FAST & brought her home.\u00a0 Rested for a bit and then did a dump run.\u00a0 Then another rest, then Lynelle & I did the Vitacost order.\u00a0 Another break, then I took her to FAST to get her car.\u00a0 I had planned to go on to the Co-op, but realized it was too much so I waited almost 2 hours before I went out.\u00a0 Got what I needed, came home.\u00a0 After a bit I cooked supper.<\/p>\n
Paying attention to my body, I noticed that I felt a lot of tension down the front of my chest and up into my jawbone.\u00a0 My teeth chattered all the way to the Co-op and back.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel frightened, just a kind of exhaustion of the will, everything is a chore and then I have to rest.\u00a0 \u201cResting\u201d doesn\u2019t refresh or nourish me, it just gives me a break from my life.\u00a0 Going through my usual routines is even hard because it isn\u2019t automatic the way it used to be, I could just do whatever without thinking, now I have to think what is the next thing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The original title of this blog was \u201cLiving with PTSD.\u201d\u00a0 A friend suggested I change it to \u201cHealing from PTSD,\u201d which is certainly more affirming.\u00a0 Yes, it\u2019s true that I have healed a lot.\u00a0 Unfortunately, the result of that healing … Continue reading