Written June 12<\/p>\n
It cooled off thank goodness.\u00a0 Now it\u2019s grey.\u00a0 Feeling fine last night and then waking in the morning feeling totally bleak.\u00a0 I remember this from the past.\u00a0 I feel like nothing\u2019s changed, despite all my work.<\/p>\n
Some of the things I worried about came out fine \u2014 like Medicare B \u2014 and others have involved long struggles \u2014 the email not working for four weeks, Mocha\u2019s peeing, her allergy.\u00a0 Most of it is now trouble with Mocha.<\/p>\n
I feel like I just touched \u201cthe truth of who I am,\u201d and immediately lost it again.\u00a0 I remind myself of the \u201ctray of cups theory,\u201d and the idea that when you have a big step in healing, then a whole new layer of stuff appears, that you weren\u2019t strong enough to look at before, and now you have to deal with it. \u00a0That comforts me.\u00a0 There\u2019s still work to do, and I\u2019m willing to do it.\u00a0 I wish I could see better what it is I\u2019m supposed to do.\u00a0 It\u2019s not cognitive work.\u00a0 O yes, I still have my assignments: do grief dances, play with Mocha, communicate with younger selves through drawing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The “Tray of Cups” theory was one I made up from the image of the trays of cups that sit in a large metal box in a cafeteria. \u00a0When you take the last cup off the top tray, and remove the tray, a whole new tray of cups rises up.<\/p>\n
This journal entry was written about a month ago. \u00a0Today I am terrified, have been so for days, have not been able to do my “assignments,” have no idea what will help except that it’s probably caused by trying to reduce medication. \u00a0I’ve gone back up, but it hasn’t helped yet, and I have no idea how long it will take.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Written June 12 It cooled off thank goodness.\u00a0 Now it\u2019s grey.\u00a0 Feeling fine last night and then waking in the morning feeling totally bleak.\u00a0 I remember this from the past.\u00a0 I feel like nothing\u2019s changed, despite all my work. Some … Continue reading