I\u2019ve been trying to get off Ativan, an anti-anxiety drug that I\u2019ve been taking for a while.\u00a0 It turns out that new research has shown that it\u2019s one of a class of drugs that cause problems with memory and other cognitive functions.\u00a0 So the motivation is very great.\u00a0 I reduced my dose from 1.0 mg to .75 mg over the course of the last three months.\u00a0 But trying to reduce it still more hasn\u2019t worked.\u00a0 I started feeling more fear, then occasional days of terror, and now this continuous state.<\/p>\n
I remember reading, some years back, that the despair and terror felt by a trauma survivor are qualitatively different than that felt by normal people.\u00a0 I found this comforting, but it also explains why other people can\u2019t understand what\u2019s happening to me.\u00a0 The quote is, I believe, from Lenore Terr<\/a> in Unchained Memories: True Stories of Traumatic Memories Lost and Found<\/i> (Basic Books, 1995)\u00a0 I loaned the book to someone, asking that it be returned, but it wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 I probably quoted it in my journal, but that was likely during the period from 1995 to 2003 when I wasn\u2019t typing it\u00a0up.\u00a0 It\u2019s important to me to be able to give references, so I\u2019m sorry I can\u2019t give this one.<\/p>\n Trying to describe what terror feels like is very difficult.\u00a0 It just occurred to me that part of the difficulty is that the feeling is a flashback to infancy, when I was non-verbal.\u00a0 The dynamo in the chest is familiar, also finding it very hard to do simple things.\u00a0 I went through my breakfast routine – which is good because it doesn\u2019t require me to make choices – but it was much harder than usual.\u00a0 Instead of doing it automatically which is what I usually do, I had to force myself to do each thing.\u00a0 I did do my supplements, a few days ago I just skipped that, but I didn\u2019t do my stretches.\u00a0 Too hard to be with my body.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t think, and I can\u2019t see.\u00a0 Not seeing is odd because I do actually see things, it\u2019s just that they seem flat, no third dimension and there\u2019s some other way they seem unreal.\u00a0 Annie Dillard (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, pp25-29) describes the experience of people who have been blind from birth and had their sight restored.\u00a0 They just see \u201ccolor patches,” they don\u2019t see individual things.\u00a0 Being able to see separate things is something that we learn<\/span>, not something that we have automatically.\u00a0 This made me think that a baby would also see \u201ccolor patches\u201d with no meaning, so that\u2019s how it would look to a baby.\u00a0 Another piece of evidence that I was traumatized as an infant.<\/p>\n The question of what I was afraid of intrigues me.\u00a0 Often if you ask \u201cWhat is my catastrophic expectation?\u201d you find that it\u2019s either something highly unlikely, or something that you could handle.\u00a0 When I try to describe what I\u2019m afraid of, it\u2019s very difficult.\u00a0 It\u2019s not death, an infant has no concept of \u201cdeath.\u201d\u00a0 The best I can do is it\u2019s feeling totally helpless (a baby is truly helpless) and some nameless doom is coming down on me, I can\u2019t stop it, and it\u2019s going to last forever (a baby has no concept of time).\u00a0 One way I have tried to describe it: imagine you are lying in the street, for some reason you are unable to move, and a big steam roller is coming down the street, aimed right at you.\u00a0 The driver can\u2019t see you, there\u2019s no one nearby who would answer a cry for help.<\/p>\n From my journal (I was unable to find that guidance piece in past posts.\u00a0 Because my parents were alcoholics, I was very resistant to medication, and kept trying to get off it.\u00a0 Every time was a disaster.\u00a0 When I asked my guides about medication they said \u201cMedication is neither good nor bad.\u00a0 Your life has to be workable.\u00a0 You need medication for your life to be workable.\u201d)<\/p>\n Sunday, July 12 I\u2019ve been trying to get off Ativan, an anti-anxiety drug that I\u2019ve been taking for a while.\u00a0 It turns out that new research has shown that it\u2019s one of a class of drugs that cause problems with memory and other … Continue reading
\nSaturday, July 11
\nFeeling so scared toward the end of the day, despite good talk with Erica, massage with Cory \u2014 it somehow got to beyond what I could handle by talking to younger selves. (See post for June 27<\/a>)\u00a0 It was that whirling dynamo in the chest, breathless, feeling.\u00a0 First I took Calms (a homeopaths remedy for anxiety) which helped a little, then I took 1.0 Ativan last night.\u00a0 This morning I woke OK but the terror came in pretty quickly.\u00a0 Very very hard to get up.\u00a0 It\u2019s also chilly which normally I welcome but today feels hostile or indifferent.\u00a0 Mocha stayed on the bed so I miss her company.
\nMy guides said that medication was to help keep my life workable.\u00a0 It is not workable now.\u00a0 O gosh I just want to hide.\u00a0 I wish I had someone who would come stay with me and comfort me.
\nCalled two friends for help, but they haven\u2019t answered.\u00a0 This is very difficult for a trauma survivor from infancy whose basic trauma was being left along too long.<\/p>\n
\nThis morning there\u2019s a lot of tightness and clenched energy in my stomach area.\u00a0 I feel painfully lonely, a little scared, a little angry.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been able to find God.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been able to look at my broken self with compassion.\u00a0 There\u2019s sadness here too, and just a hint of headache.\u00a0 O gosh I feel so cut off \u2014 from everything.
\nErica has disappeared again.\u00a0 (This is again an infant\u2019s experience if it\u2019s before the age when it learns \u201cobject constancy<\/a>\u201d \u2014 that the thing is still there, ever though you can\u2019t see it.)
\nPain and fear and lostness.\u00a0 I feel so alone and cut off.\u00a0 I think if I could find compassion for my broken life that I wouldn\u2019t feel so lonely.
\nO gosh I\u2019m so scared I can\u2019t think.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"