{"id":4797,"date":"2015-06-29T09:11:18","date_gmt":"2015-06-29T13:11:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4797"},"modified":"2018-12-16T09:44:59","modified_gmt":"2018-12-16T14:44:59","slug":"april-4-1968","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4797","title":{"rendered":"April 4, 1968"},"content":{"rendered":"

I wrote this in 1968, while I was living with Fred<\/a>. \u00a0It’s undated in my journal<\/p>\n

I don’t know where to start.\u00a0 It seemed as though the volcano was going to blow last night.\u00a0 I wanted to smash a window or something \u2014 perhaps because of Martin Luther King’s<\/a> death?\u00a0 Where is a quiet place…<\/p>\n

What \u2014 what \u2014 pieces coming out in fits & starts \u2014 like pieces of vomit flying in all directions because I can’t channel myself toward a toilet \u2014 and vomit the whole mess & get rid of it so it doesn’t have to sit around in there \u2014 rotting & multiplying.<\/p>\n

What’s in the vomit, the rumbling magma of the volcano \u2014 can i look ? easily \u2014 long years of lonely, of being different, of being intelligent and sensitive, yet having no reassurance from outside that any of these things were valuable.\u00a0 [(fred loves me) (crossed out) \u00a0 \u00a0 NO HE DOESN’T]\u00a0 My parents always saying “Don’t think you’re so great”, never encouraging or praising, my father always focussing on tiny details as the basis for criticism so I think if i can clear up all the bad tiny details i’ll be alright and this keeps me so uptight the whole self is bound in fetters and cannot grow or be easy and free.\u00a0 And then i clear up detail after detail \u2014 i no longer look at my bad skin or my big ears, but my self image is of the ugly adolescent \u2014 now i see details in my behavior that point out my selfishness, my closed-in-ness, my clumsiness and blindness \u2014 do i know how to care for another human being?\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The convoluted wanderings of the dungeons of the castle i live (?) in \u2014 or defend vociferously.\u00a0 Who’s down there? what ghosts wander?\u00a0 My drunken mother bearing her heavy cross while the rest of us do the real work. and a dark and guilty ghost stalks after her, whispering to me, you could have done something you could still do something…<\/p>\n

No, its not coming today. I’m just going over old ground \u2014 and if that’s all it is i might as well forget about it & try to live positively in spite of it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Comment from\u00a0today: I often do this, fail to appreciate what I am writing. \u00a0I thought\u00a0this didn’t have enough flow and passion in it. \u00a0But now I see it as a very accurate analysis of my childhood and how it affected me. \u00a0At that time, I didn’t know about the trauma, and I believed that what my parents said had some truth in it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I wrote this in 1968, while I was living with Fred. \u00a0It’s undated in my journal I don’t know where to start.\u00a0 It seemed as though the volcano was going to blow last night.\u00a0 I wanted to smash a window … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,9,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4797","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-journal","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4797","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4797"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4797\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4797"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4797"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4797"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}