I’ve been struggling with depression for about a month. \u00a0It’s the first time I’ve been depressed in a long time. \u00a0This is what I wrote this morning.<\/p>\n
Woke up terrified with a bad headache.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t had this hard a time in a long time.\u00a0 I remember the feelings from the past.\u00a0 I took Mocha to Collman\u2019s and walked along the river and felt frozen dread the whole time.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t able to enjoy or even be present for the beauty of the trees and the river.\u00a0 In the years after 1984, I forced myself to walk our dog Shenanigan on the Wilderness Trail with this same feeling of frozen dread.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been having odd confusions of temperature, feeling both hot and cold at the same time.\u00a0 Very uncomfortable.\u00a0 I\u2019m trying to hold the fear, the headache (nails driven in) and the discomfort with compassion.\u00a0 O yes, the hot and cold together is what I would experience when I had really bad cramps.<\/p>\n
Lynelle left for Rhode Island last night.\u00a0 It was sudden, I didn\u2019t get to say goodbye.\u00a0 That may be part of this fear, I’m all alone in the house.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been typing up from May 28, the time when, feeling strong from my \u201cextraordinary\u201d healing, I went back and read my journal for the time of Fred and David<\/a> in the late 60’s.\u00a0 I thought I was strong enough, but I see now that was a mistake.\u00a0 I think part of the trouble I\u2019ve been having is because of having revisited that painful time.\u00a0 I talk about the letters I wrote to David from the hospital and how I would be ashamed to read them to Karen.\u00a0 I don\u2019t even mention Erica.\u00a0 Ashamed.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been ashamed of how I am now too, both the not being able to function (according to the world) and the not being able to be present which is what I do want.<\/p>\n I have thought that having to revisit this material after coming to a new place of strength is giving me a chance to work through it.\u00a0 I was going to say \u201cagain\u201d but now I see that I never did really work through it.\u00a0 In my journal for May 28 I say \u201cThis is the work for now\u201d and how I want to go to Jenny in the hospital and try to comfort her.\u00a0 Then I guess I got distracted by email, Mocha, etc.<\/p>\n The sun has come out.\u00a0 The contrasts are painful.\u00a0 The light is sparkling on the faucet and the spoons & forks in the dish drainer, and it just makes me want to hide.\u00a0 The house doesn\u2019t seem familiar, doesn\u2019t seem to be mine, and when I walked around the yard yesterday evening it didn\u2019t seem familiar either.\u00a0 In \u201cDarkness Before Dawn<\/a>” there are a couple of essays on depression from a Buddhist perspective.\u00a0 They say depression is very close to enlightenment because all of the things of the world don\u2019t have any meaning.\u00a0 They are \u201csamsara\u201d – \u201cillusion.\u201d\u00a0 When I was outside I tried to see the trees as illusions, but couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 Just felt the painful cold of not being at home anywhere.\u00a0 If it\u2019s all unreal, then my pain is unreal which just makes it worse.<\/p>\n Fresh green leaves moving in the breeze, and they might just as well be a movie.\u00a0 A movie would be easier to watch.\u00a0 I think of Parker Palmer<\/a> hiding in the corner with the shades down.\u00a0 I think of the woman who lives with the depressed man, loves him, takes care of him, finds compassion for everything.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think she\u2019s co-dependent, I think she\u2019s amazingly loving.\u00a0 She keeps saying to him \u201cYou\u2019re worth it<\/a>.\u201d\u00a0 I think of Dana stopping cooking for me because it wasn\u2019t \u201cfun\u201d anymore, and worrying that he was \u201cenabling\u201d me.\u00a0 There\u2019s a lot of pain there.\u00a0 He really let me down.<\/p>\n I have been asking for God\u2019s help over and over, and I suddenly realized that typing up those passages \u2014 way early according to my habit of typing what I wrote a month ago \u2014 revisiting that old material is where the work is now.\u00a0 That was what I\u2019ve been wanting from God \u2014 though I wasn\u2019t able to make it explicit \u2014 but I wanted to be shown how I was supposed to work on myself, what was the process, the next step?\u00a0 I realize I\u2019ve been so confused and lost because I couldn\u2019t see what to do next.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I’ve been struggling with depression for about a month. \u00a0It’s the first time I’ve been depressed in a long time. \u00a0This is what I wrote this morning. Woke up terrified with a bad headache.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t had this hard a … Continue reading