It\u2019s sunny and beautiful out, and I can\u2019t bear it.\u00a0 It\u2019s a day to go out and enjoy the world, and I just want to hide.\u00a0 Yesterday was so much easier, it was grey with drizzly rain.<\/p>\n
Now I understand something about why I have such a hard time with beautiful days.\u00a0 I thought that I \u201cought\u201d to go out and enjoy the beauty, but I couldn\u2019t because of some stupid narrow reason of my own, and I got angry at myself to not being able to do it.\u00a0 Today I see that I did really want to go out and enjoy it, but it was just too painful because I was so dark inside. The darkness was not who I am or what I chose but how I was wounded.<\/p>\n
After breakfast.\u00a0 Walked Mocha (the name finally given to my new dog<\/a>) around the loop.\u00a0 Came back breathless and terrified.\u00a0 This is called \u201cgetting triggered\u201d by a bright beautiful day.\u00a0 I can\u2019t think of any reason why, but that doesn\u2019t mean that I\u2019m not triggered, it means that the reason is far back and buried in the non-verbal part of my psyche.<\/p>\n Sitting here looking out at my beautiful woods, I think of the survivors of Chernobyl looking at the forests they love but can never again go into because they are filled with radiation.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It\u2019s sunny and beautiful out, and I can\u2019t bear it.\u00a0 It\u2019s a day to go out and enjoy the world, and I just want to hide.\u00a0 Yesterday was so much easier, it was grey with drizzly rain. Now I understand … Continue reading