(Written in January 2006)
\nWork with Karen was painful.\u00a0 Trying to be OK with myself just as I am and finding it impossible.
\nI\u2019m feeling incredibly confused and lost, sad and scared.\u00a0 Heart feels squeezed.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what to do except keep going thru my routine.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got the Gremlin house in the big canvas bag to take to Lore.\u00a0 I have no idea what I\u2019ll do with her.\u00a0 I think of trying to make a self-portrait \u2014 trying to find a version of me that I can accept and love.\u00a0 This person who feels so awful, and is hating herself and doesn\u2019t know what to do about it.
\nHow does it feel in my body?\u00a0 Chest feels cramped, blank and grey.\u00a0 There\u2019s also a little vibrating energy around my neck and jaw.\u00a0 Every thing feels blank and dead and grey.\u00a0 No beauty, no meaning, no warmth in the heart.\u00a0 The Ocean of Compassion is just a phrase that doesn\u2019t mean anything, but I can feel the pain in my heart that wants\/needs to make contact with compassion.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0 It\u2019s OK to not know.\u00a0 It\u2019s OK to just wait for something to shift.<\/p>\n
Woke sad and scared.\u00a0 Recited as many of the affirmations as I could remember.\u00a0 I wish I had someone who really knew what was going on with me and could help me.\u00a0 It\u2019s so frustrating, to have had a few days of \u201cnormality\u201d when I felt clear and confident and undistorted, and then to fall back into the nightmare, back into deep depression and then thru the various hells of fear, sadness, heartache, speediness, and always cold, no warmth, no place warm & safe where I could go curl up and rest.<\/p>\n
Bleak.\u00a0 Cold stony wasteland bleak.\u00a0 I read through my affirmations.\u00a0 They don\u2019t mean anything.\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe I\u2019ll ever feel different.
\nI\u2019ve felt better before, and I\u2019ll feel better again.
\nThis is a process, things will change.
\nThis hard cold stoniness is not who I am.\u00a0 It is the product of trauma and adverse brain chemistry.\u00a0 This is what a baby feels when she has been left too long by her mother.\u00a0 The hard cold stoniness is a defense, and it\u2019s also how the world feels when mother is gone: no hope, no warmth, no love.<\/p>\n
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, my heart hurts a lot.\u00a0 Please help me. (Written in January 2006) Work with Karen was painful.\u00a0 Trying to be OK with myself just as I am and finding it impossible. I\u2019m feeling incredibly confused and lost, sad and scared.\u00a0 Heart feels squeezed.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what to … Continue reading
\n Dear Jenny, we love you very much.\u00a0 Your heart is sore because you were hurt so much as a child.\u00a0 You were beautiful, loving, generous, and creative, but your mother was not able to respond and reciprocate.\u00a0 She was irritable and angry a lot, for reasons that had nothing to do with you.\u00a0 She was jealous of your creative exuberance, and tried to flatten it and you.\u00a0 She left you alone too often.\u00a0 All of this was painful and traumatizing for a little girl who only wanted to love and be loved, and to share the things she was excited about.\u00a0 She learned to hide her pain because she was made wrong for being in pain.\u00a0 The pain you are feeling now is her pain, baffled, constricted, layered with invalidation.\u00a0 When you are able to be with that pain with compassion, you bring comfort to that lonely hurting child, and to other lonely hurting children.\u00a0 When you are unable to do it, remind yourself that this is because you are so badly wounded.\u00a0 Do not make yourself wrong.\u00a0 Be as kind to yourself as you can, even if that means retreating into a book.\u00a0 Dear Jenny, you are working very hard, and your work has positive effects in the world, even when you feel so miserable.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"