{"id":4730,"date":"2015-05-17T14:26:01","date_gmt":"2015-05-17T18:26:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4730"},"modified":"2015-05-18T08:32:03","modified_gmt":"2015-05-18T12:32:03","slug":"in-transition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4730","title":{"rendered":"In Transition"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thursday
\nTold Karen about waking up feeling not quite myself, unfamiliar, on two days. Yesterday morning I realized I am in transition \u2014 letting go of the old trapeze, new one not yet visible in the fog.\u00a0 Karen said that\u2019s the hard thing about letting go.\u00a0 I think about Dr. Fried telling Deborah\u2019s mother \u201cWe are chipping away at the old foundation \u2014 she has nothing else to stand on.” \u00a0(I Never Promised You a Rose Garden<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

Friday
\nTalk with Erica.\u00a0 She says I\u2019m \u201cextraordinary\u201d\u2014 \u201cYour wounds don\u2019t inhibit or limit how extraordinary you are.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have joy and receptivity, curiosity, you come to each new encounter open.\u201d<\/p>\n

Saturday
\nThe talk with Erica was amazing.\u00a0 I came out of it thinking \u201cI\u2019m extraordinary.\u201d with a sort of surprised delight.\u00a0 \u201cI have a lot to give.\u00a0 Just as I am my energy is a gift.\u201d\u00a0 I walked around in joy all day.<\/p>\n

Even now I feel like a whole different person.\u00a0 I think this is the trapeze I\u2019m going to catch, this is where I\u2019ll be when I finally land.<\/p>\n

Tuesday
\nThe session with Erica was good.\u00a0 I told her about my two days of being \u201cextraordinary.\u201d How right it felt in some ways\u00a0 \u2014 \u201cthis is who I was supposed to be.\u201d\u00a0 Like Jalaja\u2019s words \u201cpassion, devotion, creativity and sweetness.\u201d\u00a0 I could recognize them as being \u201creally me,\u201d even though I can read them now and wonder how that can be. \u00a0 How humble and yes comfortable I felt.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t need to brag, or care if others noticed it.<\/p>\n

Thursday
\nI see that I\u2019m still in the transition zone and it\u2019s still disconcerting.\u00a0 Today I feel really lonely, but I need someone to talk to who would understand.<\/p>\n

How to describe the transition?\u00a0 The old self is selfish \u2014 self-involved, not helpful to others, has nothing to offer the world, OR what she has to offer is too esoteric and people don\u2019t want it.\u00a0 She has a small shrunken closed heart.\u00a0 She is too shy and self-absorbed to make friends easily.\u00a0 The new person is \u201cextraordinary,\u201d has a lot to give, is making a difference in the world.\u00a0 Lots of people like her and she is able to be nourished by their affection.\u00a0 She has a big heart.\u00a0 She is able to share all the odd and unusual things she knows about, people get a lot out of it, and she gets satisfaction.<\/p>\n

I talked to Karen about being in transition, how uncomfortable it was.\u00a0 About Erica saying I\u2019m \u201cextraordinary\u201d \u2014 Karen immediately began to smile \u2014 I said do you think I\u2019m extraordinary?\u00a0 She said \u201cAbsolutely.\u201d\u00a0 Do you think I have a lot to give?\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re already giving a lot.\u201d\u00a0 Do you think my energy is a gift?\u00a0 \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 I talked about creativity, that I wasn\u2019t making things, she said creativity isn\u2019t about making things.\u00a0 I asked her what she meant by \u201cextraordinary.\u201d\u00a0 She said I was very sensitive, I feel things deeply, I care about things…\u00a0 She said I was not like most of the people she knows.\u00a0 I told her about Angela saying I talked way outside the boxes her therapy group lives in.\u00a0 She said yes, you are way outside all the boxes.\u00a0 I told her I somehow knew I was extraordinary, at least for two days.\u00a0 She asked how I knew it.\u00a0 I tried to bring back the feeling and couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 I said there\u2019s a resonance, but not really physical \u2014 maybe a very tiny vibration.<\/p>\n

Sitting here now, feeling so odd, I think about my idea about how the different parts of Multiple Personality Disorder are different electro-magnetic fields.\u00a0 So when I feel \u201cextraordinary\u201d I\u2019m actually in another field.\u00a0 There\u2019s something that feels really right about it \u2014 just now I thought it was the sense of being \u201cat home\u201d \u2014 just as the words Jalaja used: \u201cpassion, devotion, creativity and sweetness,\u201d resonated immediately, I know they were \u201cme,\u201d almost an exact picture of \u201cme.\u201d \u00a0See Comment<\/a>. \u00a0The old self \u2014 the mother-conditioned self \u2014 is \u201cfamiliar\u201d because I\u2019ve been there for so long.\u00a0 But it\u2019s not \u201chome.\u201d\u00a0 The house I grew up in was never \u201chome.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ve been in exile for a very long time.<\/p>\n

Who am I?\u00a0 A being with two states \u2014 maybe even more because the dance teacher and the astronomy teacher and the story-teller are also different states \u2014 who varies between them: \u00a0popping instantaneously back and forth. \u00a0Other people perhaps can see these beings, but when I switch into them I\u2019m not aware of me, but of the dance, or the bit of astronomy, or the story that I\u2019m telling.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s like I\u2019m dissociated from these states of happiness, authenticity, giving, etc.\u00a0 Other people see me, but I don\u2019t see me or feel me, I feel useless, a nobody.<\/p>\n

This is characteristic of the personalities in MPD. \u00a0They don’t know about each other. \u00a0They have total amnesia. \u00a0That’s why I can’t bring back the feeling of being “extraordinary.”<\/p>\n

Today
\nNow that I’m actually about to publish this, I’m terrified. \u00a0I’m afraid my friends will all disown me for bragging and being conceited \u2014 two total sins in the house where I grew up. I’m going to put it out there anyway, because this is a true part of my story.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Thursday Told Karen about waking up feeling not quite myself, unfamiliar, on two days. Yesterday morning I realized I am in transition \u2014 letting go of the old trapeze, new one not yet visible in the fog.\u00a0 Karen said that\u2019s … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4730","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4730","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4730"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4730\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4730"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4730"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4730"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}