Friday
\nNotes from call with Erica:
\nShe can hear from my voice how deep a place I was coming from.
\nIn the last session, being so quiet, allows presence & connection when it\u2019s quiet.\u00a0 Mother-child dyad, seeing a loving gaze, I was imagining loving Bella and had that loving look on my face.\u00a0 But I wouldn\u2019t have known how I looked unless Erica told me.\u00a0 She also said she got to bask in that look.\u00a0 This quiet is repairing the wound.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t safe to be in the presence of mother and be in my truth at the same time.\u00a0 You are savoring being in your own presence while with me.\u00a0 Tuesday was our being with our truth.\u00a0 I thought it was \u201cnothing\u201d \u2014 just staying with my truth and being with Erica.\u00a0 It\u2019s an ongoing process \u2014 to be impatient is antithetical to that presence.\u00a0 How honored I am that you could allow me to be there with you.\u00a0 It feels sacred.\u00a0 I am moved by how much your heart loves.<\/p>\n
Saturday
\nThe most important thing yesterday was my talk with Erica.\u00a0 I tried to write down what she said.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t understand it very well.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure what it means to \u201cbe with my truth\u201d \u2014 actually I\u2019m not sure I know what it feels like to \u201cbe with my truth.\u201d\u00a0 I came out with the sense that what was important was to try to be completely present (this means Tiny too) whenever I\u2019m with someone.
\nI stopped being sad after I talked with her.\u00a0 I also realized that there was no point in continuing to mourn for what didn\u2019t happen.\u00a0 In having a practice of doing what I couldn\u2019t do then, I have action I can take.\u00a0 That makes a difference.<\/p>\n
Tuesday
\nWith Erica:\u00a0 I cried most of the time.\u00a0 I told her about the empty dog search (it told me there were no dogs within 100 miles that fit my criteria), about the woman invalidating Lynelle.\u00a0 Erica was very angry about that.\u00a0 She said (again) I was brave to be willing to feel that much pain, that deep pain.\u00a0 I said what\u2019s brave about it?\u00a0 I can\u2019t stop it.\u00a0 She said there are lots of ways to stop it.\u00a0 Of course: drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping…\u00a0 I said I do my \u201cmindless practices,\u201d but I do them consciously, and they don\u2019t hurt anybody, even me.\u00a0 I said I was discouraged, felt like I wasn\u2019t getting anywhere, that I would need a lot of patience to take love in in tiny bits.\u00a0 She said I\u2019ll tell you a difficult truth, it\u2019s excruciating.\u00a0 Lots of people, when they get to this point, can\u2019t take the pain and quit.\u00a0 She said it was another big wave of grief, this is part of the process.\u00a0 She asked if I remembered what we had done last Tuesday.\u00a0 I said I didn\u2019t know.\u00a0 She said you allowed yourself to be quiet.\u00a0 I could see that allowing myself to relax, to be with my truth and with her, could easily open up deeper stuff.\u00a0 She told me Matt Fox said if people did 15 minutes of grieving a day, enormous energy would be released.\u00a0 She said she was honored that I\u2019d share that deep pain with her.\u00a0 She said I would slow down when she asked me to, most people just talk right over her.<\/p>\n
Wednesday
\nThe session with Erica helped a lot.\u00a0 Giving voice to my grief and pain, which I had been making myself wrong for, allowed me to feel it.\u00a0 She showed me how expressing the grief and pain is the main part of the work.\u00a0 The process requires it.\u00a0 I\u2019m not stuck, I\u2019m doing the hardest piece.\u00a0 And it will come back again and again, so I might as well be ready for it, even welcome it. \u00a0I also realized that this grief is not just for the things I personally missed, it’s for the pain and suffering on this planet that I am aware of and can feel. \u00a0That is a lot of grief.<\/p>\n
Went over to Neskaya and made a list of dances for expressing grief and pain.\u00a0 I made a CD of my playlist.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to try to dance it as much as possible, every day if I can.\u00a0 I want it to be my daily grief work.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Friday Notes from call with Erica: She can hear from my voice how deep a place I was coming from. In the last session, being so quiet, allows presence & connection when it\u2019s quiet.\u00a0 Mother-child dyad, seeing a loving gaze, … Continue reading