Written the same day:<\/p>\n
I think the session with Erica was a good one.\u00a0 I cried a lot, didn\u2019t say very much.\u00a0 Mostly about wanting a new dog & grieving Bella.\u00a0 Also grieving that I hadn\u2019t really been able to take in how much she loved me until just before she died.\u00a0 Erica asked about Tiny.\u00a0 I checked.\u00a0 Tiny is grieving too.\u00a0 Don\u2019t know what about. \u00a0(Now that I\u2019m writing it down I suspect it\u2019s grieving because she didn\u2019t know she was loved.) \u00a0Sat quietly with her until some little piece nudged \u201cYou aren\u2019t doing anything.\u201d\u00a0 Told Erica.\u00a0 She said it wasn\u2019t nothing.\u00a0 I sighed \u2014 getting that it was OK to do \u201cnothing.\u201d\u00a0 Erica said that I needed to slow down to calm my nervous system.\u00a0 I think this is the first time I haven\u2019t rushed into telling her a story.<\/p>\n
Written the next day<\/p>\n
Feeling dizzy and lost.\u00a0 It\u2019s chilly in here and 9\u00b0 outside.\u00a0 I just want to lie down with Muffy.\u00a0 Holding him tightly now.<\/p>\n
What happened?\u00a0 I think it was a good session with Erica, but again I was exhausted when I got home.\u00a0 This morning I\u2019m feeling bereft and lonely.\u00a0 Yesterday I told Erica I was doing OK with empty days, but this morning doesn\u2019t feel OK.<\/p>\n
So what happened with Erica?\u00a0 I told her about the pain of spring \u2014 the earth waking up and I\u2019m still frozen.\u00a0 Also told her I was really wanting a dog.\u00a0 And the grief that I wasn\u2019t able to take in how much Bella loved me until the end.\u00a0 Here come the tears again.\u00a0 I guess that\u2019s big.\u00a0 And Tiny was in grief too, when I went to write about it her grief was also that she didn\u2019t know she was loved.\u00a0 I guess I have a lot of grieving to do.<\/p>\n
Thinking that I was loved and didn\u2019t know it.\u00a0 So painful.\u00a0 My heart feels empty and cold the way it felt when I was abandoned again again.<\/p>\n
Yes I think the pain and the confusion are because of the realization that many people love me, and have loved me, and I couldn\u2019t take it in.\u00a0 If I have any regret about my life, that\u2019s it.\u00a0 And yet, I don\u2019t see that I had much choice.<\/p>\n
It took me awhile after the session to really get how sad I am that I wasn\u2019t able to take in the love that was there for me.\u00a0 I think this is only possible now that I\u2019m starting to be able to see myself as lovable.\u00a0 It makes me so so sad.\u00a0 How different my life would have been.\u00a0 But the first thing I learned from mother was that I wasn\u2019t lovable.\u00a0 I tried and tried to do the right thing to make her happy, but she was never happy with me.\u00a0 Finally, the youngest part of myself, who needed to be aware of being loved in order to be aware of herself at all, had to split off and close herself up so nothing could get in.\u00a0 Mother\u2019s poisonous energy was too toxic for her to take in, so she had to block out everything.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Written the same day: I think the session with Erica was a good one.\u00a0 I cried a lot, didn\u2019t say very much.\u00a0 Mostly about wanting a new dog & grieving Bella.\u00a0 Also grieving that I hadn\u2019t really been able to … Continue reading