(Written in February 2009)
\nI spent a bit of time yesterday holding the baby doll, and telling her I won\u2019t leave her, that her welfare is my top priority.\u00a0 She feels warm now, and sometimes being with her is comforting, I don\u2019t feel alone.\u00a0 I\u2019ve also been asking God to forgive me for the mistakes I\u2019ve made, for whatever clinging to negativity, or cowardly refusal to do what I \u201cshould\u201d.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know of anything exactly, but I do know that I feel\/think that I haven\u2019t done a very good job of living my life.\u00a0 Asking for forgiveness is acknowledging that I\u2019ve done badly instead of beating on myself for doing badly.\u00a0 The other way to look at it is that I\u2019ve been much too hard on myself, had much too high expectations, driven and exhausted myself instead of treating myself with mercy and compassion.\u00a0 I suppose asking for forgiveness could help with that too.\u00a0 I have no idea which one is correct.<\/p>\n
[Written on typing this entry about a month later: A sense of outrage rises up in me as I read this.\u00a0 I never<\/em> held on to negativity, I only saw sometimes that what someone was suggesting would not work for me, but didn\u2019t trust my own knowing.\u00a0 But since I\u2019ve learned so much more about Post-traumatic Stress I can answer back when someone proposes \u201cJust straighten up and smile and you\u2019ll feel better.\u201d No.\u00a0 I\u2019m up against something bigger than that.\u00a0 And I have never<\/em> \u201ccowardly\u201d refused to do what I \u201cshould\u201d.\u00a0 Instead I have usually pushed myself unmercifully to do what I \u201cshould\u201d and only this breakdown has and is showing me my true limits which are much smaller than I ever realized.]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in February 2009) I spent a bit of time yesterday holding the baby doll, and telling her I won\u2019t leave her, that her welfare is my top priority.\u00a0 She feels warm now, and sometimes being with her is comforting, … Continue reading