I told Erica about seeing the wounded animal by the road.\u00a0 It\u2019s one of my worst nightmares, to see an animal so wounded that it can\u2019t live, and not being able to do anything about it. I think it\u2019s because I completely identify with being so wounded that I can\u2019t have a life.\u00a0 I told her how I dealt with my shock and pain by avoiding something so re-traumatizing,\u00a0and then doing mindless practices.\u00a0 She thought I handled it \u2014 took care of myself \u2014 really well.\u00a0 I let the activation settle before I thought about the incident.\u00a0 Then I could write, and tell the story. \u00a0We talked about the disconnect that happens when I get excited about something.\u00a0 It\u2019s as though I can either have my excitement or have the relationship.\u00a0 I learned this from my mother who didn\u2019t like my enthusiasm, so I had to choose between being enthusiastic and the relationship with someone my security depended on.\u00a0 Of course I gave up my enthusiasm.\u00a0 I\u2019ve thought of it as having to lose my self-consciousness before I can share my enthusiasm.\u00a0 Now I see that it\u2019s not self-consciousness which usually means fearing criticism, it\u2019s consciousness of myself in a good sense, being aware of who I am while I move through my life.\u00a0 The result of this has been that other people see who I am, and the gifts I have to share, but I don\u2019t see it at all, and don\u2019t get to feel any satisfaction or pleasure.\u00a0 (O gosh that makes me ANGRY \u2014 my SELF was stolen from me before I knew what was going on, before I could do anything about it.)\u00a0 It always surprises me when someone gives me positive feedback about myself.\u00a0 Erica said the old pattern of pushing myself and collapsing into depression was because I was disconnected from Tiny.\u00a0 She said I was learning how to move through my life staying connected to Tiny.\u00a0 It looks like the work I need to do is practice\u00a0being\u00a0aware of Tiny.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I told Erica about seeing the wounded animal by the road.\u00a0 It\u2019s one of my worst nightmares, to see an animal so wounded that it can\u2019t live, and not being able to do anything about it. I think it\u2019s because … Continue reading