This post is put together from a series of journal entries. \u00a0It shows how writing in my journal helps me process information.<\/p>\n
Tuesday, March 10
\nErica\u2019s waiting room.\u00a0 Feeling sad & discouraged.\u00a0 Trying to understand what caused this.<\/p>\n
I told her about my struggle with PETA \u2014 not liking their method but supporting their cause.\u00a0 I told her about the statement that dogs were being skinned while they were still alive to make clothing.\u00a0 I can\u2019t bear the image.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to pretend that such things don\u2019t happen, but hearing about them is too much.\u00a0 Erica said no, I shouldn\u2019t give out of that energy.
\nShe suggested: \u201cI don\u2019t want to hear any more\u201d and I added: \u201cYour manipulative strategy wrecks me.\u00a0 I\u2019m re-traumatized and I can\u2019t do anything for you from that energy.\u201d
\nI realized I was feeling guilty and wrong for not wanting to give to PETA even though I support their cause.\u00a0 It looks like that\u2019s the major reason for me feeling so bad.<\/p>\n
Thursday, March 12 Last night I said I was afraid of \u201cnot getting better.\u201d\u00a0 What I meant was being able to get to a place where I could enjoy my life, or at least feel some contentment and satisfaction.\u00a0 I know that having more money, or a flashy car, or fashionable clothing would not bring me contentment and satisfaction.\u00a0 Even an honors degree from Wellesley, the writing and publishing of a book<\/a>, the development of the \u201cslide show<\/a>,\u201d creating the \u201cDancing the Sacred Calendar<\/a>\u201d workshop, being part of Journey into Courage<\/a>, building Neskaya<\/a>, do not make me feel contented or satisfied.\u00a0 Looking at my list, I see that, except for the Wellesley Degree, my achievements are \u201ccounter-cultural.\u201d\u00a0 But that doesn\u2019t matter to me.\u00a0 I could feel good about contributing to the betterment of the earth, strengthening the souls of a few people (or a lot of people?), and being in some ways way out in front of the culture in the direction of peace, equality and soul, if I really believed it.\u00a0 If I could really \u201cget it\u201d that I have made a big contribution, that would help me feel that my life hasn\u2019t been wasted.\u00a0 On the other hand, if I could really get it that just as I am, without any of those contributions, I am just what god wanted, if I could trust that God, Spirit, the process of the universe, is moving in a good and meaningful direction, even if I don\u2019t know what it is, then I could relax and be OK with how I am.\u00a0 I suppose I would go on trying to heal, I do still see that as my vocation at the moment.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This post is put together from a series of journal entries. \u00a0It shows how writing in my journal helps me process information. Tuesday, March 10 Erica\u2019s waiting room.\u00a0 Feeling sad & discouraged.\u00a0 Trying to understand what caused this. I told … Continue reading
\nWent to the Church book group.\u00a0 We are discussing \u201cEager to Love<\/a>,\u201d by Richard Rohr, which is about St. Francis.
\nWe talked about the sentence: Francis and Clare \u201cdied into the life they loved<\/i>\u201d and so were not afraid to die.\u00a0 I said I didn\u2019t understand how you could die into a life you loved.\u00a0 They started talking about fear of death.\u00a0 I said I\u2019d wanted to die so many times, that I looked forward to it.\u00a0 Barry said death represents the end of suffering.\u00a0 I agreed.\u00a0 Someone asked What was I afraid of?\u00a0 I said \u201cnever getting better\u201d and burst into tears.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t think about it at the time but \u201cdie into the life they loved\u201d means that they had a life they loved.\u00a0 Most of the time I don\u2019t love my life, it\u2019s been so full of pain and struggle.\u00a0 Every now and then I see it as wounded and feel compassion, to \u201clove my poor wounded life because it needs love.\u201d<\/p>\n