{"id":4656,"date":"2015-03-07T12:43:00","date_gmt":"2015-03-07T17:43:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4656"},"modified":"2015-03-07T12:43:00","modified_gmt":"2015-03-07T17:43:00","slug":"tough-session","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4656","title":{"rendered":"Tough Session"},"content":{"rendered":"

Yesterday was really tough.\u00a0 I got to Erica and just cried.\u00a0 I told her I was confused, had no sense of priority, and lost the sense of a solid core, did not feel connected to her. \u00a0She said all those things were still here, it was just that I wasn\u2019t connected.\u00a0 I knew that was true<\/span> and that\u2019s a step forward: not no god, not no Jesus, not no Erica, not no Tiny One \u2014 just having lost the connection to them.\u00a0 Erica asked what had happened.\u00a0 I said a lot of small disappointments and a big one.\u00a0 I told her about Barry telling me my ideas for discussion groups would not work in his congregation.\u00a0 She asked me to feel my feelings, she said I must be hurt.\u00a0 Yes, when I paid attention my heart hurt so bad.\u00a0 I cried some more.\u00a0 (Yes, I disconnect from my own feelings the same way I disconnect from Erica and god.)\u00a0 I was curled up and hunched over.\u00a0 She asked what that was about and I said I was trying to hide.\u00a0 She said she thought I was angry, that being coiled up tight was preparation for striking out.\u00a0 At that point I lost the ability to feel my body.\u00a0 Suddenly there was no information coming from my body.\u00a0 I stayed with it, feeling confused, then I saw or made up an explosion and then it was immediately doused by fire hoses.\u00a0 Erica had said the anger was the anger of protest. \u00a0I could get in touch with the idea that this shouldn\u2019t have happened to me.\u00a0 Accepting that I might be angry: \u201cI tried so many times to get something started and nobody wanted it.\u201d\u00a0 She told me about a woman who tried to get some classes going at AVA Gallery in Lebanon, and too few people signed up.\u00a0 That just made me feel more discouraged, ready to give up.\u00a0 O yes, trying to feel my anger (or protest) at Barry I saw it wasn\u2019t about<\/span> Barry but about all<\/span> my defeats.<\/p>\n

Thinking back over the last weeks, I see that when I connected with Tiny One and my love for her, and then when my heart made a solid connection with Tiny One \u2014 I had my usual thought \u2014 \u201cI\u2019ve arrived, I\u2019ve healed.\u201d\u00a0 Then when I lost it, it seemed a little like it was gone forever, but at the same time I suspected that this \u201cdown\u201d was just part of the process.\u00a0 This morning, looking back at how unhappy and desperate I was yesterday, I can see very clearly that it is part of the process, that the happiness and wholeness were showing me what was possible, I will get there again.\u00a0 This all feels a lot like \u201cobject constancy\u201d but on a different level.\u00a0 Learning that things are still there even though I can\u2019t feel them.\u00a0 Learning that even when I\u2019m depressed, or confused and lost, I haven\u2019t gone down into the same old pit.\u00a0 Instead of seeing myself as climbing a mountain, and when I fall I go all the way back to the bottom, I\u2019m seeing my life as a pilgrimage through a difficult landscape, a \u201cdown\u201d is just a valley and if I go on, I\u2019ll find another \u201cup.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m also wondering if part of my anger\/protest was at Erica.\u00a0 Stop telling me these things that can\u2019t possibly be true. \u00a0I noticed that was when I lost touch with my body. \u00a0It was too scary for Tiny One to be angry at Erica. \u00a0Erica thought that part of me pushing outward was a wake up call \u2014 \u201cCan\u2019t you see that I\u2019m hurting?\u00a0 Wake up!\u201d<\/p>\n

I got food to go at the Co-op instead of eating there and writing.\u00a0 My eyes were so red that I wore my sunglasses to hide that I had been crying.<\/p>\n

When I got home I realized that I\u2019m able to get angry on behalf of bees, and whales, and the downtrodden, poor, and sick, but I\u2019m not able to get angry on my own behalf.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yesterday was really tough.\u00a0 I got to Erica and just cried.\u00a0 I told her I was confused, had no sense of priority, and lost the sense of a solid core, did not feel connected to her. \u00a0She said all those … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4656","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4656","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4656"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4656\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4656"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4656"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4656"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}