{"id":4620,"date":"2015-02-16T17:25:12","date_gmt":"2015-02-16T22:25:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4620"},"modified":"2015-02-16T17:27:21","modified_gmt":"2015-02-16T22:27:21","slug":"deep-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4620","title":{"rendered":"Deep Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

The work I\u2019ve been doing with Erica has required me to go deep in myself and try to get what\u2019s going on there.\u00a0 It\u2019s a non-verbal part of myself, so usually I get a feeling and then try to translate the feeling into an image.\u00a0 Mostly the image comes on its own, or starts simply and gains definition with time.\u00a0 The first image had to do with the frozen baby<\/p>\n

From my journal for January 11: Nancy Napier<\/a> talks about creating a lifeline between the adult and the child by extending a line of light from the heart of the adult to the heart of the baby.\u00a0 When I did this before (years ago) I was connecting to a lost child out in the void.\u00a0 This time the frozen baby is inside me, in my lower abdomen.\u00a0 I am opening my heart to her and offering her a connection, and allowing her to absorb it at her own pace.\u00a0 I visualize her as grey and squeezed into a box about the shape and size of a safe deposit box. (That\u2019s interesting.)\u00a0 \u2014 She\u2019s been put into a space where she can be safely locked up and no one can get at her.<\/p>\n

\"drawing6\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Journal January 14: \u00a0 \u00a0 While driving, I felt so odd, loose, relaxed, like nothing seemed important.\u00a0 It felt like some kind of shell had cracked, broken into several pieces.\u00a0 They could move around but were still connected somehow.\u00a0 It was also true that whatever was inside, something soft, could well out through the cracks.\u00a0 Feeling\/watching this image, it came to me that this was the frozen baby unthawing.<\/p>\n

\"drawing7\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Later in the day, the loose, cracked up feeling started to become completely liquid.\u00a0 I quickly put a container around it, but that brought up scared and sad feelings.\u00a0 Much more painful feelings are to be expected as the baby thaws.\u00a0 They were intolerable to begin with, that\u2019s why she froze.\u00a0 So I\u2019ve been expecting to feel pain like I felt last Saturday, when I was asking \u201cWhat\u2019s the point of going on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\"drawing8\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Journal January 15: \u00a0 \u00a0 What a mixed tangle of feelings!\u00a0 It\u2019s like my life just got stirred up and the pieces are still moving.\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t it be good to be comfortable with this process?\u00a0 Maybe even let go of the feeling that my life has to be stable and solid.\u00a0 Actually, what I really need is a stable and solid container for the feelings that are erupting. and the loneliness which is so hard.\u00a0 Can I put my arms around loneliness and comfort her?<\/p>\n

Journal January 21: \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Hard painful session with Erica<\/a>.\u00a0 Having trouble connecting with her.\u00a0 Found a part of myself, down deep in something like a tunnel that got narrower. It was closed at the bottom so she couldn\u2019t fall forever.\u00a0 She was just a little round ball – like an embryo.\u00a0 Looking at her now I see that she\u2019s curled up in a ball, trying to be as small as possible.\u00a0 Erica said she was defending herself against disruptive energy.\u00a0 Seeing how much it costs to defend myself.<\/p>\n

\"drawing1B\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Erica asked how I think she perceives me.\u00a0 I said she looked concerned.\u00a0 She asked why.\u00a0 I said \u201cBecause you care about me,\u201d and convulsed into tears.\u00a0 So painful to imagine that someone could care about me.\u00a0 She suggested I try to let it in, one drop at a time.\u00a0 So I let one drop come in and the tiny being took it in.\u00a0 \u201cWhere in her body did she take it in?\u201d asked Erica.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t see the tiny being as anything different from a ball, so I said in the center.\u00a0 I imagined the drop as honey and it appeared as a golden glow in the center of the ball.\u00a0 We did another drop, and then the little one conveyed to me \u201cThat\u2019s enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"drawing2\"<\/a><\/p>\n

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\"drawing3A\"<\/a><\/p>\n

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Journal January 31: \u00a0 \u00a0Just spent some time paying attention to the tiny one.\u00a0 Feeling affectionate, so I surrounded her with a golden sphere.\u00a0 She was not happy to be completely surrounded, so I opened a window and then took it down to half.\u00a0 She indicated that she wanted a little more so I let it come up a little, like cupped hands.\u00a0 Actually that\u2019s what I\u2019m more comfortable with.\u00a0 I think she just sat up, and then curled down again as though in a nest.<\/p>\n

\"drawing4A\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Journal\u00a0February 3 \u00a0 \u00a0 Tough session.\u00a0 I cried a lot.\u00a0 I told Erica I had a hard time with her lack of response to my drawings.\u00a0 She apologized, sincerely, sick kids back-to-back.\u00a0 She said it was legitimate for the little one to be disappointed, angry and sad.\u00a0 Of course anger was too scary.\u00a0 Got in touch with intense pain inside.\u00a0 Too painful to be with, like an animal hurt too bad to live.\u00a0 What did I feel inside?\u00a0 Sore, \u201cit hurts to be me<\/a>.\u201d\u00a0 Does the pain extend love or does she ask me to be with it?\u00a0 I say \u201cpoisonous.\u00a0 I\u2019m poisonous.\u201d\u00a0 She asks \u201cIs that from inside or outside?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cOutside.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cCan you separate it a little?\u201d\u00a0 The poison becomes a sphere around the pain.\u00a0 I try to make it go away.\u00a0 Erica says \u201cjust be with it.\u201d\u00a0 I see that there are thorns directed both ways.\u00a0 I realize it\u2019s in a lot of pain.\u00a0 I say \u201cO poor thing,\u201d and feel a gush of compassion.\u00a0 \u201cCan she take it in?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 As we hug I tell Erica\u00a0she\u2019s forgiven.<\/p>\n

\"drawing9\"<\/a><\/p>\n

This picture doesn\u2019t seem to fit the sequence.\u00a0 After I finished it, I saw that the object in the center was my heart, the circle outside looked like a crown of thorns.<\/p>\n

Journal February 10 \u00a0 \u00a0 Erica said the quote from BVDK about attachment<\/a> would trigger me, I need to reconnect.\u00a0 Because my excitement about astronomy can trigger the little one \u2014 it may bring me out of depression, but leave her alone \u2014 Erica suggested I talk to her about my excitement.\u00a0 She stops shivering, gets curious, as I explain my excitement.\u00a0 Later on, I started talking about something that excited me, and I had just started when I remembered the Tiny One.\u00a0 I stopped talking and put my hand on my belly.\u00a0 Erica said \u201cBeautiful!\u201d<\/p>\n

\"drawing10\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Journal February 14 \u00a0 \u00a0 Massage was lovely.\u00a0 I checked in with Tiny One and she was ready to take in another drop of caring.\u00a0 I\u2019m really pleased with our relationship.<\/p>\n

\"drawing5B\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The work I\u2019ve been doing with Erica has required me to go deep in myself and try to get what\u2019s going on there.\u00a0 It\u2019s a non-verbal part of myself, so usually I get a feeling and then try to translate … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4620","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4620","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4620"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4620\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4620"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4620"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4620"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}