Yesterday I had the most difficult and painful therapy session I\u2019ve ever had.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to record it here in case it is helpful to someone else.\u00a0 It\u2019s likely to sound very strange to anyone who\u2019s not had the experiences I\u2019ve had.\u00a0 I was traumatized very early, in infancy, and probably traumatized over and over by being left alone too long.\u00a0 Very early trauma impacts the development of the brain and nervous system.\u00a0 I have suffered from periods of severe depression and terror all my life.\u00a0 My first attempt to try medication resulted in 5 days of escalating terror, and I now realize that it was in fact a traumatic experience.\u00a0 When I finally got on anti-depressant medication that worked, and found out what normal brain chemistry was like, I realized I had no memories of ever feeling that way. \u00a0For most of my life I thought I was defective, but the truth is that I didn\u2019t have the skills necessary to live effectively.<\/p>\n
One of the reasons I never thought I was traumatized was that I couldn\u2019t remember a traumatic event, not realizing that it doesn\u2019t take much to traumatize a baby.\u00a0 Why someone is traumatized has more to do with their psychological development than the violence of the event.\u00a0 I also didn\u2019t have visual flashbacks.\u00a0 What I had were body state flashbacks, which were things like sudden severe depression coming out of the blue, suddenly needing to withdraw or hide, etc.\u00a0 Such relivings of the trauma can be triggered by almost anything: a tone of voice, a particular smell, a change in the weather, something so small or \u201cnormal\u201d that it\u2019s not seen as related.\u00a0 Because trauma prevents the brain from processing normally, the memory of the traumatic event is not like normal memory.\u00a0 Instead of being stored as a complete memory, it is separated into chunks: a visual component separated from the emotion that went with it, an emotion that has nothing to do with current reality, a movement of the body that doesn\u2019t make sense, etc.\u00a0 These \u201cflashbacks\u201d can be triggered by any little thing that is a reminder of the trauma.\u00a0 They are experienced as in the present, instead of part of the past.<\/p>\n
What I experienced in this therapy session were the feelings of an infant that has been left alone, feeling unloved and uncared-for, but also afraid that she won\u2019t survive.\u00a0 A baby has no concept of death, but she is truly dependent on another human being for survival.\u00a0 So after a certain amount of time the baby has been left alone, her reptilian brain stem concludes that she\u2019s in a life-threatening situation, and her system goes into trauma.\u00a0 When I am waiting for someone to show up, it can become unbearable if it goes on too long.\u00a0 \u201cToo long\u201d can start at about 5 minutes of waiting.<\/p>\n
The reason this session was so hard for me was that it required me to get in touch with far off and barricaded parts of myself, who were in desperate pain, terror, and confusion.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I could have done it if I hadn\u2019t trusted my therapist a lot.<\/p>\n
Hard painful session with Erica.\u00a0 Having trouble connecting with her.\u00a0 Cried a lot.\u00a0 Found a part of myself, down deep in something like a well that closed in.\u00a0 It was closed at the bottom so she didn\u2019t fall forever.\u00a0 She was just a little round ball – like an embryo.\u00a0 Looking at her now I see that she\u2019s curled up in a ball, trying to be as small as possible.\u00a0 Erica said she was defending herself against my friend\u2019s energy.\u00a0 Seeing how much it cost to defend myself.\u00a0 Periodically she would ask where my energy field was.\u00a0 At first it wasn\u2019t. Then it was out about 6 inches from my body.\u00a0 When she asked where she was, I didn\u2019t know.\u00a0 Later our energy fields were overlapping in a sort of fuzzy area.\u00a0 I think by the end they were more balanced between us and moving back and forth like breathing.\u00a0 At one point she suggested I pendulate between the little tiny being and the things in the room which would bring me into the present.\u00a0 So I did that, in fact I did it all the way home.\u00a0 She would periodically ask how I thought she saw me.\u00a0 That\u2019s always a very difficult question.\u00a0 Once I said she looked concerned.\u00a0 Erica asked why.\u00a0 I said \u201cbecause you care about me,\u201d and convulsed into tears.\u00a0 So painful to imagine that someone could care about me.\u00a0 She suggested I try to let it in, one drop at a time.\u00a0 So I let one drop come in and the tiny being took it in.\u00a0 \u201cWhere in her body did she take it in?\u201d asked Erica.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t see the tiny being as anything different from a ball, so I said in the center.\u00a0 I imagined the drop as honey and it appeared as a golden glow in the center of the ball.\u00a0 We did another drop, and then the little one said \u201cThat\u2019s enough.\u201d\u00a0 Actually I put up my hands, palms outward, in a \u201cstop\u201d gesture.\u00a0 I did it in response to a feeling of energy inside.\u00a0 When I first got in touch with the tiny being, Erica said that we weren\u2019t asking her to change.\u00a0 I could feel the relief in my body.\u00a0 No, she\u2019s fine just the way she is, and I\u2019m fine just the way I am.\u00a0 With this permission, my body relaxed in relief.\u00a0 When it was time, I didn\u2019t want to go.<\/p>\n
Toward the end of the session, looking at the root of my life in this tiny frightened and despairing being, I saw an utter lack of foundation for any sort of healthy meaningful life.\u00a0 She had received no guidance and support, no comforting and reassurance, no tenderness and forgiveness.\u00a0 Looking out across the wasteland of my life, a battered war zone with a very few bright lights and green fields, I cried out \u201cI WANT A LIFE!\u201d\u00a0 Erica heard that cry as an \u201canguished protest for vitality, integrity, authentic expression and voice.\u201d<\/p>\n
Even though this work is so difficult, I know it’s the way to heal, perhaps the only way to heal. \u00a0The experience has to be felt in order to be processed. \u00a0Afterward, I didn’t feel rejuvenated, as I do after an encouraging therapy session, instead I feel lost, scared, and discouraged. \u00a0I hope\/trust that it will lead to healing, but it looks like a very long journey.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Yesterday I had the most difficult and painful therapy session I\u2019ve ever had.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to record it here in case it is helpful to someone else.\u00a0 It\u2019s likely to sound very strange to anyone who\u2019s not had the experiences … Continue reading