From my journal: Friday<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t even know how to start.\u00a0 When I got to Karen\u2019s I thought I\u2019d cry a lot.\u00a0 Also thought of getting on the bed and kicking and pounding.\u00a0 I probably should have done that.\u00a0 I\u2019m not angry, but I did feel a lot of confused energy.\u00a0 Now I see that I have to move the energy.\u00a0 It would have been a good idea to move my body.\u00a0 Maybe I can walk today, or go to Neskaya to dance.\u00a0 At least it\u2019s warmer.<\/p>\n
Talking to Karen it became clear that I\u2019d lost myself.\u00a0 I\u2019d rushed out to help Damien, to take care of Marko, to help Lynelle \u2014\u2014 and left myself behind.\u00a0 I woke up confused and lost, I had trouble writing here because of a friend who stayed the night, and then Lynelle called to say her apartment wasn\u2019t getting warm.\u00a0 I freaked out as I used to do in the old days.\u00a0 There was too much I was juggling and this was a last straw.\u00a0 I called Irving, actually the guys came fairly quickly, and fixed it.<\/p>\n
Karen wanted to know how I could find Jenny, how I could reconnect with her.\u00a0 When I tried, I got old voices telling me Jenny wasn\u2019t important.\u00a0 I can feel them now \u2014 \u201cJenny\u2019s not worth taking care of.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s why it\u2019s so easy to spend my energy on something outside me, and so hard to come back and do the daily chores that support my life.\u00a0 O gosh, I think about it, struggling against the cold wind of my lack of value, and I just want to lie down and die.\u00a0 the grey one, who is protecting me from mother, is making it impossible to have my real life.<\/p>\n
I am right in the middle of the conflict\/double-bind that\u2019s at the roots of my life.\u00a0 It looks much too hard.\u00a0 I can\u2019t possibly do it.\u00a0 I want to die.<\/p>\n
Mother wanted me to die \u2014 well, she didn\u2019t put it that clearly \u2014 she just wanted me to not be there, not to need her. \u00a0She wasn’t at all prepared for the demands of a baby, and my father was away at World War II. \u00a0It\u2019s like when she said of Daddy as he was dying \u201cif he just stopped being fed…\u201d<\/p>\n
I simply can\u2019t do what\u2019s good for me at Lynelle\u2019s expense.\u00a0 I just can\u2019t.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s conditioning or free choice.\u00a0 Am I a good person or just a traumatized one.\u00a0 All the injunctions so deeply driven in: \u201cDon\u2019t think you\u2019re so great,\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t show off,\u201d\u00a0 \u201cyou don\u2019t deserve…\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou’re not worth spending time & energy on,\u201d etc. \u2014 that last one was not so much said as enacted.\u00a0 Actually a lot of them were enacted, didn\u2019t become verbal until I started paying attention.\u00a0 The verbal is just an expression of the felt sense which is non-verbal.<\/p>\n
Saturday<\/p>\n
So now I\u2019m up with a cup of tea and wishing someone would take care of me. When my friend\u00a0was here, she took up too much space and there was no room for Jenny.\u00a0 Now there\u2019s room for Jenny, Jenny who isn\u2019t worth taking care of.\u00a0 I have to cook rice this morning and it feels like a huge chore.\u00a0 I have to\/want to fill the big bird feeder, but I’m too tired.<\/p>\n
I think I\u2019m trapped in the frozen baby.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal: Friday Don\u2019t even know how to start.\u00a0 When I got to Karen\u2019s I thought I\u2019d cry a lot.\u00a0 Also thought of getting on the bed and kicking and pounding.\u00a0 I probably should have done that.\u00a0 I\u2019m not … Continue reading