I\u2019ve been having a really bad time.\u00a0 It started with \u201cthat twilight feeling,\u201d the first experience of depression that I can remember.\u00a0 I was 12 years old.\u00a0 I was left alone at our summer house in Maine, with three younger siblings, while Mom & Dad went to a party.\u00a0 My job was to feed the kids and put them to bed.\u00a0 They were 8, 7, and 5 years old.\u00a0 After I had got them to bed, I was essentially alone in the house.\u00a0 It was getting darker outside.\u00a0 In my memory it was always grey, no sunset colors, it just gradually got darker.\u00a0 I could see my life stretching out ahead of me, grey in color, and always being left to care for someone else\u2019s children.\u00a0 That was all I was good for.<\/p>\n
Recently I took in another dog.\u00a0 He needed an emergency home, and his caretaker didn\u2019t have room in her house, but promised to find someone to take him.\u00a0 So here I was, taking care of another thing that didn\u2019t belong to me.\u00a0 I had also hoped that he might be the \u201cright dog for me,\u201d but he wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 Another disappointment that triggered the pain of many other disappointments.<\/p>\n
From my journal:<\/p>\n
Saturday:\u00a0 I\u2019m taking Sweet Chestnut<\/a> which is\u00a0\u201cFor those moments which happen to some people when the anguish is so great as to seem to be unbearable. When the mind or body feels as if it had borne to the uttermost limit of its endurance, and that now it must give way. When it seems there is nothing but destruction and annihilation left to face.\u201d\u00a0 I think of it as being when you are at the end of your rope.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m glad I have a morning routine.\u00a0 I can just keep going through it step by step.\u00a0 \u201cNow put your right foot forward…\u201d<\/p>\n
I wish someone would come help me.\u00a0 What do I need?\u00a0 Reassurance that life is meaningful, that I matter somehow, that just as I am, I matter to the Universe, and am worthy of being taken care of.<\/p>\n
I had left a message for Beverly, calmed myself down as best I could, called Eve.\u00a0 She was just going out to a job and didn\u2019t have a lot of time to talk.\u00a0 I asked if I could stay overnight, but she has her children.\u00a0 It\u2019s too early to call Elizabeth.\u00a0 I\u2019ll just keep typing journal.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to do a post about wanting to die, but I think I\u2019d better wait until I feel better.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
When the trauma is abandonment, things like having to leave a message and waiting for someone to call back trigger the original trauma.\u00a0 Eve\u2019s house is a sanctuary for me, I can stay there and not be alone and be cooked for, so losing that can be devastating.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a problem when I\u2019m not already triggered.<\/p>\n
journal: \u00a0Drove to Littleton to get some things.\u00a0 On the way I tried talking to the frozen baby, but it wasn\u2019t a good idea because I ended up telling her what a painful life she was going to have and I started crying.\u00a0 When I got to the pet shop, they didn\u2019t have any soft treats.\u00a0 The dog I\u2019m taking care of can\u2019t eat hard things, so I really wanted them for him.\u00a0 I cried when I got outside, it was such a disappointment.<\/p>\n
I think the cold and the loneliness are triggering that first horrible winter in Portland Maine.\u00a0 \u201cBridge Over Troubled Water\u201d has been in my mind since the vigil for a boy from our town who died in an avalanche, and I think it might have been part of that winter.<\/p>\n
Then there was the two weeks in February when I went back \u201chome\u201d to Ohio to stay with my parents.\u00a0 It was very cold and our house had no storm windows.\u00a0 I was cold and terrified that whole time and had no idea what it was about.<\/p>\n
Sunday:\u00a0 Yesterday was really tough.\u00a0 Full of little disappointments which just pile up the triggers.\u00a0 Lynelle recommended Nancy Napier<\/a>, so I started reading the chapter on Disappointment and Despair.\u00a0 That was really difficult, I could only read a little at a time.\u00a0 She is saying that for these childhood hurts there is no remedy except to give to yourself what you weren\u2019t given then.\u00a0 That requires an adult part, and I had no adult part yesterday.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I couldn\u2019t find anything to say to the baby other than the pain she was going to experience in her life.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve been having a really bad time.\u00a0 It started with \u201cthat twilight feeling,\u201d the first experience of depression that I can remember.\u00a0 I was 12 years old.\u00a0 I was left alone at our summer house in Maine, with three younger … Continue reading