{"id":4505,"date":"2014-12-07T14:21:28","date_gmt":"2014-12-07T19:21:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4505"},"modified":"2014-12-07T14:21:28","modified_gmt":"2014-12-07T19:21:28","slug":"not-to-rescue-but-to-be-rescued","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=4505","title":{"rendered":"Not to Rescue, but to be Rescued"},"content":{"rendered":"

I feel crashed, utterly felled, fallen into a deep dark hole by the decision to send Damien back.\u00a0 What\u2019s most painful is seeing how I do have the skills to work with him and befriend him, what I don\u2019t have is the ability to keep my life going while helping him.\u00a0 I thought I would be able to go on with some projects, dealing with checking accounts, finishing the booklet Pleiades, when the ink came.\u00a0 Well it came today, and I can\u2019t do anything. \u00a0All I can do is read books that are easy enough to keep my attention. \u00a0I think that the gift that Damien gave me was being able to see how very difficult it is to keep any kind of a normal life going for myself.\u00a0 I need the help of Jane and Lana, I need more support than my friends can give me, just to get through the day.\u00a0 When something extra knocks me down, I completely\u00a0collapse for a while.\u00a0 Eventually I pull myself together and go on.\u00a0 I\u2019m usually very angry at myself that I can\u2019t do it faster.\u00a0 I see how badly Damien has been damaged by a neglectful and abusive puppyhood.\u00a0 Neglect and abuse have pretty much robbed me of any kind of \u201cnormal\u201d life.\u00a0 Unlike Damien I have friends, medication and therapy.\u00a0 Looking at the reality of my life, it seems amazing that I did anything at all.\u00a0 But I wrote a book<\/a>, taught astronomy, was part of Journey into Courage<\/a>, built and supported Neskaya<\/a>.\u00a0 Those are astonishing achievements given what I was up against.\u00a0 Now I\u2019m getting older, I have less energy, just getting through the day is getting harder.\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to be able to do anything more with my life, not even rescue a dog.\u00a0 All I can do is keep getting through each day as best I can, and continuing my healing work.<\/p>\n

Recently I fully accepted\u00a0the knowledge that I am a good person. \u00a0It gave me\u00a0a foundation, a place to stand. \u00a0I\u2019ve lost that. When I fell apart last week, it was like the floor had been whipped out from under me. This thing with Damien has left me feeling like an utter failure.\u00a0 Shall I laugh or cry?\u00a0 Just a few sentences ago I was writing about my amazing achievements.\u00a0 But I\u2019m seeing them from the bottom of the floor of the deep well that I periodically fall into.\u00a0 Both things are true of my life.<\/p>\n

Instead of trying to rescue a dog with PTSD, I’m wondering about getting a dog trained to help people with PTSD. \u00a0I saw a very moving video about a veteran and his dog<\/a>. \u00a0Imagining doing something that wonderful for myself is very difficult.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I feel crashed, utterly felled, fallen into a deep dark hole by the decision to send Damien back.\u00a0 What\u2019s most painful is seeing how I do have the skills to work with him and befriend him, what I don\u2019t have … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4505","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4505","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4505"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4505\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4505"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4505"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4505"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}