I always thought I was a coward, but reading Sue Monk Kidd, I saw that I’ve taken a lot of risks. \u00a0I took those risks out of desperation. \u00a0At one point, when someone was talking about getting out of their “comfort zone,” \u00a0I realized that I’ve never had a comfort zone, except for rare and limited times. \u00a0A lot of my life has been the struggle to find or create one.<\/p>\n
In When the Heart Waits<\/i><\/a>, Sue Monk Kidd talks about the spiritual journey, using the image of a cocoon.\u00a0 She talks about how you can do a lot initially, working on your stuff with will and intellect.\u00a0 But you can only get so far that way.\u00a0 I think of my work with Dr. Rankin, learning to look for triggers, and my ongoing work to monitor my thoughts and words.\u00a0 Then you come to a place where you can\u2019t do any more.\u00a0 Now you have to let go and let it happen.\u00a0 Let God do it. \u00a0I was unable to say “Thy will be done,” but I was given a mantra that worked for me at Kripalu<\/a>: \u201cI offer myself to this process.\u201d\u00a0 Letting it happen requires the practice of patience, of listening, of allowing things to incubate in the soul. My therapist Karen helped a lot with reminding me of the process of “incubation” when I was feeling stuck.<\/p>\n \u201c… having done all we can, we allow God to work directly on the more secret and deeply ingrained attachments we have to self.\u00a0 We allow God to release us through the experiences, encounters, and events<\/i> that come to us.\u201d\u00a0 p107 (italics in original)\u00a0 Certain intellectual processes have been really helpful for me.\u00a0 Learning to look for assumptions and data.\u00a0 Learning the symbolic language of dreams. \u00a0Learning AA’s Twelve steps. \u00a0I found step one: “admitted that I was powerless to change whatever I was struggling with, that my life was unmanageable,” to be very very useful. \u00a0It helped me “let god do it,” although I wouldn’t have used that language. \u00a0Learning about the physiology of trauma \u2014 it didn\u2019t help me heal, but it did help me manage myself better.<\/p>\n I think it wasn\u2019t until the trip with Bettie that I began to see the limitations of the intellect.\u00a0 The Seminar in Symbol and Myth my senior year was a big help too.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t until my \u201ccollision with California\u201d that all my attempts to get what I wanted, or what I though I wanted, were blown to pieces.\u00a0 I desperately wanted a boyfriend, because I wanted someone to love me, because I thought if someone loved me that would prove I deserved to live.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t thought that out, I had just desperately wanted a boyfriend, but all my attempts ended in disaster.<\/p>\n Sue Monk Kidd talks about \u201cmid-life crisis,\u201d and how people\u2019s lives have grown stale, and they feel a push toward something new and different, but did not dare risk their security.\u00a0 Looking back from this perspective, I see that I took a lot of risks.\u00a0 I risked moving to Claflin my junior year.\u00a0 I risked taking studio art even though told I\u2019d get no credit because I hadn\u2019t taken a history of art course.\u00a0 I risked planning a trip to Europe \u2014 looking back now I see how utterly foolish that was, but I was desperate, even though not knowing how desperate I was.\u00a0 I was so fortunate that Bettie wanted to go with me.\u00a0 It was out of desperation that I went to California, left Stanford, left Fred, followed Kathi to Davis, risked an affair with David, finally went home to Maine \u201cwith my tail between my legs,\u201d an utter failure.\u00a0 That first year in Maine I was just trying to survive.\u00a0 Looking back, I don\u2019t see that I had any security to go back to.\u00a0 A year \u201cat home\u201d with my parents taught me that.<\/p>\n I was fortunate in having enough money to not have to get a job.\u00a0 But not enough to feel secure.\u00a0 I bought a house and settled down in Brunswick and tried to make a life for myself.\u00a0 But there were times of terror, times of depression.\u00a0 I know now that if I\u2019d had to work a 40-hour week, I\u2019d have had a breakdown and had to be hospitalized.\u00a0 God knows what would have happened after that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I always thought I was a coward, but reading Sue Monk Kidd, I saw that I’ve taken a lot of risks. \u00a0I took those risks out of desperation. \u00a0At one point, when someone was talking about getting out of their … Continue reading