So sad yesterday.\u00a0 Missing Bella, missing Erica if truth be told, and mourning for all the other wounds opened up.\u00a0 October in the rain, tho it wasn\u2019t raining, just grey.<\/p>\n
Met Lynelle in Hunger Mountain Co-op in Montpelier.\u00a0 I\u2019d picked up a few things for supper, and was trying to figure out if I should get anything more, when I saw Lynelle in the produce section.\u00a0 I helped test what she\u2019d got, and then \u2014 I\u2019m sure she sensed something \u2014 she asked how I was and I said \u201cI\u2019m lost\u201d and started to cry.\u00a0 She took charge, made me leave, said go sit in Karen\u2019s office and write.\u00a0 So I left.<\/p>\n
Karen was a big help.\u00a0 I cried and cried.\u00a0 I said I had spent my whole life trying to heal and never got any of the satisfactions of real life.\u00a0 She reminded me that there was Neskaya, that I did have good times dancing.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to hear it.\u00a0 I saw my life as narrow and full of loss.\u00a0 I think I just needed to mourn, to honor the sadness.\u00a0 Then I talked about how she had said I was \u201cworthwhile,\u201d and Erica had said I was \u201cextraordinary,\u201d and surely if that were true I should have had a better life.\u00a0 Karen said that for a person who is aware and sensitive, our culture is toxic.\u00a0 A person who is \u201cextraordinary\u201d in these ways is not supported by the culture, more likely to be trashed by its insensitivity and violence.\u00a0 I saw the truth in what she was saying, I saw that it was painful not to be able to offer my gifts to the world in some bigger way.\u00a0 But it\u2019s not due to weakness or lack of persistence as I usually tell myself.\u00a0 I\u2019ve tried again and again and been disappointed again and again.\u00a0 I see that that\u2019s something to mourn for. \u00a0And I see that I HAVE been persistent, trying again and again in spite of disappointment.<\/p>\n
Today I see that part of why I was \u201clost\u201d and having a hard time, was that \u201cworthwhile\u201d and \u201cextraordinary\u201d were totally opposed to the person mother taught me I was: somebody selfish, conceited, not thoughtful, too sensitive (as though I acted sensitive to get special treatment), etc.\u00a0 This fit much better with my identity as a failure, a coward, and a weakling, names which I often called myself in my journal.\u00a0 The idea that I might be someone who was actually valuable was scary and disorienting.\u00a0 I did manage to wonder how my life would change if I believed that I was \u201cworthwhile\u201d and \u201cextraordinary.\u201d\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t be so scared of making a mistake, I\u2019d trust myself more, I\u2019d relax and do what came naturally.<\/p>\n
The foliage is at a new state.\u00a0 Driving across Vermont, the flaming reds and green are gone, and there\u2019s a more muted golden\u00a0tone to the later leaves \u2014 oak and beech \u2014 that glow against the grey of the empty branches.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So sad yesterday.\u00a0 Missing Bella, missing Erica if truth be told, and mourning for all the other wounds opened up.\u00a0 October in the rain, tho it wasn\u2019t raining, just grey. Met Lynelle in Hunger Mountain Co-op in Montpelier.\u00a0 I\u2019d picked … Continue reading