![\"jenny\"](\"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/jenny.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nThis picture was taken when Jenny was four years old.\u00a0 Alas, I lost or mislaid the original, so this is a scan of a copy \u2014 not very high quality.<\/p>\n
This picture was taken at our summer house in Maine. The woman on the left was our mother’s helper, then cousin Terry, then Jenny, Jack, and Josephine.\u00a0I look tense and unhappy. \u00a0By this time, I was being given too much responsibility for the younger children. We had no “mother’s helper” back home.<\/p>\n By age twelve, I was given complete responsibility for the three younger children in the summers. My parents used to say “Weren’t we clever to have raised a babysitter before we raised a family.” \u00a0I remember being left alone with them, fixing supper and getting them to bed. \u00a0Then I was essentially alone. \u00a0I described what I felt\u00a0as “that twilight feeling.” \u00a0Years later, I realized “that twilight feeling” was depression.<\/p>\n This is a picture of me at 13.\u00a0 You can see that I\u2019ve put my hair in pin curls.\u00a0 I see a child who is very sensitive, very vulnerable, expecting only that she will be hurt again.<\/p>\n This is me at 17.\u00a0 I\u2019m trying my hardest to look normal.\u00a0 I seem to be saying to my judging parents \u201cIs this how you want me to look?\u201d<\/p>\n Looking at this picture now, after working with my new therapist on the belief that I was ugly, I see that she doesn’t look so awful. \u00a0In fact I notice her bright eyes. \u00a0One reason I thought I was ugly was that I didn’t have any dates. \u00a0Most of my classmates were already going out and talking about the boys they knew. \u00a0I did not see that being at a girls’ school limited my chances for meeting boys. \u00a0I also had some bad experiences of having one or two dates, and then nothing. \u00a0Because I wanted so badly to be loved, I attached very quickly, made up romantic stories, and probably presented an aura of desperation which of course did not make relationships easy. \u00a0I was also raped by a date, which didn’t help my self-esteem. \u00a0Of course I never told anybody about it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Here\u2019s Jenny as a baby, open and eager to engage with the world… This picture was taken when Jenny was four years old.\u00a0 Alas, I lost or mislaid the original, so this is a scan of a copy \u2014 not … Continue reading <\/a>
\n\u201cLittle Jenny with the Dar Gorani look\u201d was named by a circle dancer who saw this photograph.\u00a0 Dar Gorani is a dance choreographed to Armenian music, using traditional Armenian gestures.\u00a0 We also call it the \u201cprayer to the lost homeland\u201d because it\u2019s about being driven out of your home, and looking back to its beauty, and forward to the hope that you will be able to create a new home.\u00a0 In this picture I see a child who knows that somewhere out there is a better way to live, but where she is right now there is just the pain of not really being seen and supported by her alcoholic parents.<\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n