I\u2019ve been thinking that most of my life I\u2019ve been scared that I\u2019ll do something wrong and everyone will reject and leave me and scared that I\u2019ll fail to do something I\u2019m supposed to do and everyone will reject and leave me.\u00a0 I never thought it out in so many words, but that unnamed fear has been with me most of my life.\u00a0 It\u2019s only now, as I\u2019ve begun feeling that I\u2019m OK just as I am, that I can see so clearly what I was afraid of.\u00a0 I think of the refrain in \u00a0my old journals \u201c… then he\u2019ll be gone and I\u2019ll be left alone again.\u201d\u00a0 and the periodic wail \u201cAll I ever wanted is for somebody to come and put their arms around me and tell me that everything\u2019s gonna be all right.\u201d\u00a0 I can see now, so clearly, the cry of an abandoned and frightened child.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m always watching myself to make sure I don\u2019t make a mistake.\u00a0 I\u2019m always worrying about what I might have forgotten.\u00a0 I panic when I lose my \u201cto do\u201d list.\u00a0 I think what I\u2019ve been calling \u201cdays of grace\u201d are when it feels like I\u2019m OK just as I am, I\u2019m not watching myself all the time.\u00a0 Now that I\u2019m in this state more of the time, I can see much more clearly what most of my life has been like.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve been thinking that most of my life I\u2019ve been scared that I\u2019ll do something wrong and everyone will reject and leave me and scared that I\u2019ll fail to do something I\u2019m supposed to do and everyone will reject and … Continue reading