I was tired all day and I\u2019m still tired but this morning I\u2019m feeling bleak.\u00a0 It would be depression except that I know intellectually that help is just around the corner.<\/p>\n
I want to think about the difference between apathy and depression.\u00a0 I\u2019ve felt apathy many times in my life \u2014 \u201cWhy bother?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s the use?\u201d \u2014but it\u2019s almost always been accompanied by depression so there\u2019s been also a hopeless, stuck, weighted down feeling about it.\u00a0 Apathy lacks the invisible weight of depression.\u00a0 I used to say that when I was depressed, it was like dragging an invisible 500 pounds behind me.\u00a0 That, of course, was after I knew what it was like to not be depressed.\u00a0 It\u2019s not OK to be depressed and I would desperately try to get out of it.\u00a0 Or push myself to get things done.\u00a0 With apathy now\u00a0 it\u2019s OK to be apathetic, to just sit here and stare out the window.\u00a0 The being OK is because I know this is something that happens to a baby when she\u2019s left alone too long.\u00a0 It confirms that there was neglect in my childhood and validates the work I am doing to heal.\u00a0 I wonder if this basic apathy becomes depression when I start to have thoughts and try to make meaning out of it and decide that it\u2019s my fault rather than understand that my mother was incapable of caring for me.\u00a0 I wonder if the basic source of depression is feeling miserable, believing you are responsible for feeling miserable \u2014 I remember my father saying \u201cYou just want to be miserable\u201d \u2014 but I couldn\u2019t stop it by my own efforts.\u00a0 Feeling responsible for making something happen yet not be able to stop making it happen \u2014 that double bind is at the root of depression.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m glad and grateful that I\u2019m far enough out of it to be able to see it.\u00a0 I remember saying the serenity prayer: \u201cGod give me the serenity to accept what I can\u2019t change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.\u201d\u00a0 When I found out\u00a0about children of alcoholics, that we are damaged by our parents\u2019 drinking, I realized that I learned from my alcoholic parents that I could change what I in fact had no power to change \u2014 namely their behavior \u2014 and that I could not change what I was really responsible for \u2014 namely my own thinking.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I was tired all day and I\u2019m still tired but this morning I\u2019m feeling bleak.\u00a0 It would be depression except that I know intellectually that help is just around the corner. I want to think about the difference between apathy … Continue reading