After the emotional blowout of Thursday, when I told Karen how the work on my car was going on and on and not getting done and cried and cried in her office for most of the session, I collapsed.\u00a0 I felt pretty washed out yesterday.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t do much of anything.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t even call anybody about trying to borrow a car.\u00a0 I realized it was just too much.\u00a0 The logistics were beyond me.\u00a0 I spent most of the day reading.\u00a0 Yesterday I treated myself as though I were sick.<\/p>\n
I thought how the crash happened because I\u2019ve been holding myself together so tightly while Erica\u2019s gone that of course one break in my armor make the whole thing fall apart.<\/p>\n
Yesterday, or maybe even Thursday night, I felt like I had arrived again again at Step One \u2014 my life is unmanageable<\/a>.\u00a0 In the past I have felt hopeless and helpless at that point, but now I feel washed out, cleaned out of all that was bothering me.\u00a0 I see that I will be able to make a fresh start, but I have to rest first.\u00a0 I got out AA\u2019s \u201cbig book\u201d that Jack had left with me, and read the stories of the first people to come to AA.\u00a0 They went through so much baffled pain before they were able to surrender.\u00a0 Their stories comfort me, even though I\u2019m not dealing with an addiction.\u00a0 I\u2019m dealing with a physiological condition, where I get triggered into inappropriate and overwhelming feelings by something I don\u2019t understand, sometimes don\u2019t even notice.\u00a0 The baffled pain, the sense of having no control over your own life, feeling horribly lonely \u2014 that all resonates with the stories of alcoholics.<\/p>\n This doesn\u2019t feel like other times when I\u2019ve hit bottom.\u00a0 I\u2019m not lying here wondering what to do.\u00a0 I know I\u2019ve crashed badly but what I have to do now is take very good care of myself, to keep things as simple as possible, to not demand that I do something I don\u2019t feel I can do.\u00a0 No push push push.\u00a0 I am a single mom taking care of a sick infant.\u00a0 She\u2019s higher priority than anything else.\u00a0 And I know she\u2019ll get better.\u00a0 There were times in the past when I was really afraid she was going to die.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" After the emotional blowout of Thursday, when I told Karen how the work on my car was going on and on and not getting done and cried and cried in her office for most of the session, I collapsed.\u00a0 I … Continue reading