(Written in May 2009)
\nCaryn got out a huge beanbag for me to sit in.\u00a0 She wanted me to be in a position where my body was open and my head supported \u2014 a little different from my usual position in the corner.\u00a0 I started telling her about my weekend: the Reiki and feeling all broken up inside, gardening with Linda, then doing grief work and her saying I had a lot of light in me.\u00a0 Then feeling like my old self while teaching dance, and Jan & Judy\u2019s comments about how strong and clear the energy is at Neskaya.\u00a0 Then she asked me to go through it again, paying attention to my body.\u00a0 When I said Linda saw a lot of light in me, I began to cry, and then my shoulders were shaking.\u00a0 I told the rest of it, Caryn reminding me to pay attention to my body, notice how my voice got deeper.\u00a0 Then she had me tell again the two pieces of positive feedback.\u00a0 My shoulders shook for a long time, my teeth chattered, sometimes my belly went in & out like fast crying.\u00a0 My legs wanted to jump but didn\u2019t \u2014 like that uncomfortable tickle before you sneeze.\u00a0 We talked about my conflict between wanting to believe the feedback that I am a good person who does good things, and being terrified to believe it.\u00a0 I told her about saying to my husband that I needed \u201cto prove that I deserve to live, even though my parents were so disappointed in me.\u201d At some point I was feeling really angry that Mom had treated me like a bad person, and I had come to believe it.\u00a0 My life would have been so different if I had believed that I was good from the beginning.\u00a0 I spoke some of my anger.\u00a0 Caryn said \u201cPut Mom at some distance and gather your supportive friends around you,\u201d so I did.\u00a0 I went on discharging, tho it began to taper off: my teeth stopped chattering, my shoulder shakes grew less.\u00a0 And finally I felt a deep silence inside, in my core.\u00a0 It had a shape like two half circles or a crude butterfly, and reminded me of the night light Mama Greene gave me.\u00a0 I had been hearing a lawn mower through most of the session, but a lot of the time it sounded like choral music \u2014 the harmonic choir doing solar winds.\u00a0 Even with the lawn mower outside, I could feel the silence inside.\u00a0 I can feel it now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in May 2009) Caryn got out a huge beanbag for me to sit in.\u00a0 She wanted me to be in a position where my body was open and my head supported \u2014 a little different from my usual position … Continue reading