One friend was concerned about me after reading the last blog post.\u00a0 I can\u2019t blame her, I\u2019m concerned about me too.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been doing what the professionals call \u201csuicidal ideation,\u201d although I don\u2019t really want to die, I want to be out of this very painful place.\u00a0 For a number of years, whenever I thought \u201cI just want to die,\u201d there was a voice (the Tough Little Drip maybe) that popped up and said \u201cYou don\u2019t want to die, you want a life that works.\u201d\u00a0 But that voice hasn\u2019t been speaking recently.\u00a0 For spiritual reasons, and also because I suspect I must have killed myself in a past life which is why it keeps coming up, I have no intention of killing myself. \u00a0Though occasionally I worry that thinking about dying might manifest it.<\/p>\n
As I was typing the words in the last post \u201cMaybe a drunk driver \u2026\u201d the phone rang.\u00a0 It was a friend who was supposed to come to lunch, saying she\u2019d crashed her car, and could I come to her instead. \u00a0That made it really clear that having those kind of thoughts puts an energy out into the world which might hurt someone I care about.\u00a0 So, no more \u201csuicidal ideation.\u201d<\/p>\n
What I can say when those thoughts start is the loving kindness prayer.\u00a0 The teaching is that you have to start with yourself.\u00a0 So I say<\/p>\n
\nMay I be safe
\nMay I experience belonging
\nMay I be comfortable in my body
\nMay I be comfortable in my life.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"One friend was concerned about me after reading the last blog post.\u00a0 I can\u2019t blame her, I\u2019m concerned about me too.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been doing what the professionals call \u201csuicidal ideation,\u201d although I don\u2019t really want to die, I want to … Continue reading