The last couple of days have been really tough.\u00a0 When I finally accepted the suggestion that my medications needed to be checked, I fell down into the pit.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t realize how much I had been depending on medication to give me a platform from which to work on healing, until the idea of changing them had this effect.\u00a0 I went into the totally hopeless and helpless place, I let go of all my practices, and I lost my hope of ever getting better.<\/p>\n
Back to Step One again again.<\/p>\n
OK lets see if I can find compassion for myself.\u00a0 Here\u2019s this woman who\u2019s struggled all her life with despair and terror, depression and anxiety, sad and scared.\u00a0 She recently had some good days and thought she was getting better.\u00a0 But the good days have stopped and her depression has gotten a little scary.\u00a0 She\u2019s been imagining ways to die like \u201cMaybe a drunk driver would oblige me..\u201d\u00a0 I think I\u2019ve even been a little angry at her for quitting.<\/p>\n
I tried reading Radical Acceptance<\/a>, but it just seemed abstract.\u00a0 I tried to find compassion for myself and couldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 My heart\u2019s like a stone.\u00a0 Doing Nia, my lower back hurt.\u00a0 I think that\u2019s from not doing my stretches, and not walking.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019ve been sending out pleas for help for a while now and getting nothing back.\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid I\u2019m never going to get better, and I\u2019m terrified to try new medication.<\/p>\n My session with Caryn was extremely difficult and painful.\u00a0 What I learned was that crying didn\u2019t help, banging my head against the wall didn\u2019t help, there was absolutely nothing I could do to make myself feel better. \u00a0I think if I\u2019m not going to get better, then I need to learn to have compassion for myself.\u00a0 Without that, there really is no point in continuing the struggle to survive.<\/p>\n I left the session knowing that it didn\u2019t do any good to quit, \u2014 really, the only possible way to quit is to die \u2014 that I couldn\u2019t just lie around and do nothing, that I needed to keep following a routine, doing things that I know are good for me (walking, Nia, stretches) even though I don\u2019t think that I will get any better.\u00a0 I have to do them just to stay in the same place.\u00a0 I have to make myself walk every day, even if I have to do it alone.\u00a0 This is something I\u2019ve been avoiding because of not wanting to push myself.\u00a0 Well, it\u2019s not the same as the old \u201cpush, push, push,\u201d it\u2019s not compulsive, it\u2019s just keeping going through the blizzard as I\u2019ve done before.\u00a0 What\u2019s the point?\u00a0 Just to keep going, that\u2019s the point.\u00a0 No, it won\u2019t make the world a better place, and it won\u2019t help me get better, but at least it keeps me from getting worse, and it keeps me from putting out a lot of negative energy.\u00a0 I suppose there are a lot of people out there doing their lives by rote, because they \u201chave to.\u201d\u00a0 At least I am choosing to.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve got the Tough Little Drip<\/a> statue next to my clock where I see her when I look up from the computer.\u00a0 I think she was lying down for a while, but now she\u2019s up again.\u00a0 \u201cNow put your right foot forward, now put your left foot forward\u2026”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The last couple of days have been really tough.\u00a0 When I finally accepted the suggestion that my medications needed to be checked, I fell down into the pit.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t realize how much I had been depending on medication to … Continue reading