I have been working on this issue for almost 40 years.<\/p>\n
One of the things I used to say over and over to myself was \u201cNobody ever loved me and nobody ever will.\u201d\u00a0 I meant romantic love, friends didn\u2019t count.\u00a0 In 1975 I said this out loud in front of my friend Trudi and she said \u201cWhat about me?\u00a0 I love you.\u201d\u00a0 Later I said it in front of my friend Ron, and he said \u201cWhat about me?\u00a0 I love you.\u201d Both their responses blew me away.\u00a0 The next time I tried to tell myself that nobody loved me, my scientist popped right up with \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u00a0 Here\u2019s the data: Ron loves me and Trudi loves me.\u201d\u00a0 The next two names on the list were Miriam and Tony.\u00a0 I added names until I had a list of about 20 names, and I recited it regularly, and for sure whenever I tried to tell myself \u201cNobody loves me.\u201d Not so long after that I was in a workshop, and told my roommate about how I was working on learning that there were people who loved me by reciting \u201cRon loves me, Trudy loves me, Tony loves me, Miriam loves me, \u2026\u201d\u00a0 When I finished, my roommate said \u201cYou can add me to that list.\u201d\u00a0 I was astonished.\u00a0 She hardly knew me.<\/p>\n
I found this in Richard Rohr<\/a>: \u201cpeople who are more transparent and admitting of their blind spots and personality flaws are actually quite easy to love and be with.\u201d Breathing Underwater, p32 \u00a0 This surprised me and helped me see how people could love me.\u00a0 I think about my own movement of compassion toward people when they admit their faults.\u00a0 I also think about the many times I\u2019ve said \u201cI\u2019m scared\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m sad\u201d and people have tried to fix me by offering a quick fix because they don\u2019t want to see my pain.\u00a0 On the other hand, I recently went to a small circle dance group where I am not the teacher.\u00a0 I said I was depressed and was greeted with a hug and \u201cyou\u2019ve come to the right place.\u201d<\/p>\n I did a session with my shamanic coach<\/a> today.\u00a0 One of the things we worked on was my perennial difficulty with low self-esteem.\u00a0 Finding love and compassion for myself continues to be \u00a0hard.\u00a0 Today we were working on my being able to embody my vocation which is (in short) opening people’s hearts by teaching them sacred circle dance.\u00a0 It was easy to imagine myself dancing with a circle, harder to visualize people loving and thanking me for what I do.\u00a0 Jim told me to tell Jenny that I love her.\u00a0 I discovered that it is very hard for me to tell the \u201cDance Teacher\u201d \u2014 who is a very strong and positive part of me \u2014 that I love her.\u00a0 But I thought about all the other parts of me: the scared children, the one who keeps trying to \u201cfix it,\u201d the Astronomy Teacher\u2026\u00a0 and I realized that it\u2019s much easier to love myself if I include all the parts of me, not just the \u201cgood\u201d ones.\u00a0 I searched my blog for posts when I talked about the \u201clittle group of jennys,\u201d and found this:<\/p>\n (Written in 2008) Told Beverly about my project of compiling all the good experiences into a document that I read every day, how feeling good about myself is pushing against the ancient injunction \u201cDon\u2019t think you\u2019re so great.\u201d Sitting here writing I remind myself that my commitment is not just to love the part of me that is \u201cgood\u201d but to love all of me: the Shambhala warrior and the traumatized baby, the priestess who leads the dance, and the tough little drip<\/a> that just wouldn\u2019t quit.\u00a0 Imagining this little group of Jennys warms my heart. That\u2019s so amazing!\u00a0 Yes, I welcome all the parts of me in, whatever you have done or not done, I love you all.<\/p>\n For the first appearance of \u201cthis little group of jennys\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n Imagine my surprise when I read the words \u201cWelcome \u2026 what ever you have done, welcome.\u201d\u00a0 (Written in November 2008) That\u2019s what god said to me at the pearly gates<\/a> two years later.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I have been working on this issue for almost 40 years. One of the things I used to say over and over to myself was \u201cNobody ever loved me and nobody ever will.\u201d\u00a0 I meant romantic love, friends didn\u2019t count.\u00a0 … Continue reading