I try to type up a journal entry about a month after it was written \u2014 unless I write something I want to share right away. \u00a0Normally, I wouldn’t post something like this, but I think it gives a very good picture of what my life has been like this darkest portion of the year. \u00a0This was written December 21.<\/p>\n
Yesterday was pretty miserable.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t have any contact with anyone who loves me and who I can be real with.\u00a0 I did talk to L \u2014 we were going to get together for a walk \u2014 but the rain started so we didn\u2019t.\u00a0 I tried to tell her what was happening to me, but she didn\u2019t say anything, didn’t seem to understand.<\/p>\n
Reading was very unsatisfactory.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been reading a book of short stories by Rosamunde Pilcher but they don\u2019t hold me the way the longer books do.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got The Shell Seekers, but worry about the sadness of Penelope losing Richard.\u00a0 Winter Solstice and September have happy endings, but I\u2019ve already read them recently.\u00a0 Coming Home also has a happy ending, but they didn\u2019t have the book, only the DVD and I didn\u2019t feel like watching it.\u00a0 I started The Scent of Water, but somehow it scared me.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why.\u00a0 Maybe it was too adult.\u00a0 Maybe it was the reference to the horrible noisy modern world and the loss of the old countryside. \u00a0[The Scent of Water is a book by Elizabeth Goudge<\/a>. I usually find her books comforting.] \u00a0Maybe I should be reading The Secret Garden.<\/p>\n I prayed to god to help me get out of bed this morning, but there was no answer \u2014 that I could hear anyway.\u00a0 O yes there was \u201cgod helps those who help themselves,\u201d but I don\u2019t believe that.\u00a0 That\u2019s the cruel parental voice.\u00a0 I guess that\u2019s where I\u2019m stuck.\u00a0 Judging myself for being such a wimp, for not just \u201cpushing through,\u201d for not calling more people for help, for not calling Eve again.\u00a0 I see Eleanor, up against much worse than I am, managing to keep going.\u00a0 I see Pat, after losing Michael, being able to keep going.\u00a0 I judge myself as \u201cbad\u201d for \u201cgiving up.\u201d\u00a0 In some ways I feel like a stubborn little kid who won\u2019t play the game.\u00a0 Like a frightened little kid hoping to be rescued.\u00a0 That reminds me of losing it at the airport coming back from Mother\u2019s funeral and Clare was an hour late.\u00a0 I think about trying to make an apple crisp for the pot-luck tomorrow.\u00a0 It feels utterly impossible.\u00a0 I could probably force myself.\u00a0 At least I\u2019ve done it recently enough so the routine is available.\u00a0 I could also go buy something at Mac\u2019s or the Co-op.<\/p>\n Where\u2019s the \u201ctough little drip that just won\u2019t quit<\/a>?\u201d\u00a0 She\u2019s sitting down, refusing to keep soldiering on.\u00a0 Well, can I find some compassion in my heart for her refusal?\u00a0 Yes, I can.<\/p>\n I realize that I\u2019m scared to call R because I\u2019m afraid she\u2019ll invalidate me in some way, tell me to “stop believing that story.” \u00a0She only did that once, it was a long time ago, but I feel too fragile to take a chance.<\/p>\n I just typed up the session with Caryn where I came into the present.\u00a0 That really did happen and it can happen again.\u00a0 But I need help to do it.<\/p>\n O god I just want to die.\u00a0 Please let me die soon.\u00a0 It\u2019s just too hard to keep going.\u00a0 Last night I imagined that I died and wondered how long it would take people to find out.<\/p>\n I feel sick and sad and bereft and utterly discouraged.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I try to type up a journal entry about a month after it was written \u2014 unless I write something I want to share right away. \u00a0Normally, I wouldn’t post something like this, but I think it gives a very … Continue reading