I haven’t been able to post anything for quite a while. \u00a0Bella’s death opened up the huge abyss of abandonment.<\/p>\n
The session with Caryn was tough.\u00a0 I started in my corner and crying.\u00a0 I wanted to ask her what was OK crying and what wasn\u2019t but somehow it got lost.\u00a0 (In an earlier session she had let me cry and then said I needed to stop going down the well-traveled Greek tragedy path, needed to make a different choice. It left me with the feeling that crying was wrong, but I don\u2019t think that\u2019s what she meant.)\u00a0 I was feeling so alone and isolated.\u00a0 I told her the image of the flat glass floor, black with grid lines, and the people all isolated in their squares.\u00a0 I also talked about being down in the well.\u00a0 I felt unable to climb out, I felt angry and frustrated.\u00a0 Just now I imagined myself getting comfortable at the bottom of the well and the walls dissolved.\u00a0 But then I just felt awful and stuck and angry with myself for doing this again.\u00a0 I tried to just \u201cbe with\u201d myself but couldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 Finally I tried \u201cTake a big step back\u2026 here\u2019s this woman she was a\u00a0 \u2014\u2014 where was I going?\u00a0 I had a thought that being angry at myself for being depressed was unfair and useless.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t choose to be depressed and I can\u2019t choose to be out of it, so being angry at myself serves no purpose.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t give me energy to change anything.\u00a0 Accepting myself how I am and bringing compassion is really the only thing that makes sense.<\/p>\n
We spent most of the session working on emptiness, trying to be with emptiness, trying to accept emptiness, which also to me means meaninglessness.\u00a0 If everything is emptiness why go on working to get through the day?\u00a0 At one point I said \u201cHaving nothing to live up to could feel like freedom.” \u00a0The existential question \u2014 what if there\u2019s no meaning for our lives in this place?\u00a0 I look out at the chickadees coming to the feeder.\u00a0 Then I imagine a great, glittering, spiral galaxy and remember that it was created by a process of self-organization, and the same process created the chickadees and the person sitting here writing.\u00a0 There is meaning in that process \u2014 self-organization leading to more complex beings, leading to consciousness and compassion.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a random process.\u00a0 And finally it has produced these creatures who are self-aware and can choose<\/span>.\u00a0 There is meaning in the choosing.\u00a0 I create the meaning by choosing<\/span>.\u00a0 I remember when I thought about the God of Love and the God of Power, and that if the God of Power was the greatest, I would still choose to give my allegiance to serve the God of Love.\u00a0 And now, after looking emptiness in the face, I still choose compassion.<\/p>\n I haven’t been able to post anything for quite a while. \u00a0Bella’s death opened up the huge abyss of abandonment. The session with Caryn was tough.\u00a0 I started in my corner and crying.\u00a0 I wanted to ask her what was … Continue reading