Reading Rob Bell about Jesus:\u00a0 \u201cOver and over again we see him going to the edges, to the margins, to those in trouble, those despised, those no one else would touch, those who were ignored, the weak, the blind, the lame, the lost, the losers.\u201d\u00a0 p141<\/p>\n
Bell talks about going to an AA meeting and how he was struck by everyone telling the truth \u2014 \u201ca bullshit free zone.\u201d \u00a0 p138 \u00a0 They had come to the end of their resources, and could no longer hold up a front to show how together they were.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s here, in that place \u2014 naming it and owning it and facing it and going around the room admitting our powerlessness \u2014 that we discover the God who has been for<\/span> us<\/span> the whole time.\u201d p141<\/p>\n Thinking about this, I\u2019m wondering how much effort I put into \u201cmaking sure that everybody knows how strong, smart, quick, competent, capable, together and good\u201d I am.\u00a0 \u00a0 p139<\/p>\n I know that I\u2019ve certainly put up a front, hidden my weaknesses as best I could, never let anyone see me cry \u2014but I always felt crippled, defective, not good enough.\u00a0 My mother was never pleased with anything I did, so I stopped trying to please.\u00a0 I was never popular with my classmates, especially in high school where it really matters.\u00a0 I was the last one chosen for the team in sports.\u00a0 I was rarely chosen to dance with at dancing school and parties.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t until I was in high school that I learned that not everyone got good grades.\u00a0 I never saw good grades as something that made me better than others.\u00a0 Actually, I was lucky.\u00a0 I was intelligent in the way school was designed for, it was the only part of my life where the rules were clear and the rewards matched my effort.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t think I put any effort into \u201cmaking sure everybody knows how strong, smart, etc.\u201d I am.\u00a0 I know I thought I ought to be able to do things, take on responsibilities, that I really wasn\u2019t capable of.\u00a0 I had learned this in my family of origin where I was given too much responsibility for my younger siblings.\u00a0 That left me with a sense of inadequacy that I still live with.\u00a0 I\u2019ve also tried to make things happen that I really wanted to happen, but failed because I had no idea of my limitations, and couldn\u2019t ask for help.<\/p>\n I never made much of an effort to construct a front, I was focussed on what I ought to do to prove that I deserved to live.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure who I was trying to convince \u2014 my parents at first but I soon learned that I would never be good enough for them.\u00a0 I did still try to not do anything wrong, because I was afraid that if I made a mistake, I would be thrown out to fend for myself.\u00a0 Or even, as my mother told me, \u201csent back to Sears & Roebucks.\u201d\u00a0 So then I must have been trying to prove myself to the great ubiquitous \u201cThey\u201d or possibly a vague form of God.<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t til the words came out of my mouth, at age 53<\/a>, \u201cIf I publish a book, that will prove that I deserve to live, even though my parents were disappointed in me,\u201d that I understood that the mainspring of my life was to \u201cprove that I deserve to live.\u201d\u00a0 I crashed pretty badly at that time.<\/p>\n Once, at a college reunion, my classmates talked about how they felt like impostors, that someday someone would see that they weren\u2019t as smart as they appeared.\u00a0 I was dumbfounded.\u00a0 I thought, if Wellesley accepted me, that proved that I was smart enough.\u00a0 That conversation baffled me, which is why I\u2019m still trying to figure it out.<\/p>\n But in a way, it doesn\u2019t matter at all.\u00a0 I found my way to the God<\/a> who said \u201cWhatever you have done or not done, WELCOME!\u201d and to the God that Rob Bell describes, the one that\u2019s with me in my pain.\u00a0 O I am SO GRATEFUL that this God is becoming more and more real to me.<\/p>\n Reading Rob Bell about Jesus:\u00a0 \u201cOver and over again we see him going to the edges, to the margins, to those in trouble, those despised, those no one else would touch, those who were ignored, the weak, the blind, the … Continue reading