(Written in Hunger Mountain Co-op in Montpelier, before I see Karen for a therapy appointment)<\/p>\n
Still struggling with depression.\u00a0 Mostly OK as I drove over, but it\u2019s a grim grey day.\u00a0 I realized I don\u2019t see any people, I see bleak fields, dead trees, abandoned houses, cars.\u00a0 Of course there are houses that are OK, but no people visible. \u00a0So when I\u2019m alone, driving through a bleak landscape, how can I be doing God\u2019s work?\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m gonna live \u2026 so God can use me\u2026\u201d \u00a0 Are you using me god?\u00a0 Are you there?\u00a0 Do you have some plan that redeems all the horrible things that are happening in the world?<\/p>\n
At least here in the caf\u00e9 are people.\u00a0 There\u2019s good healthy food here, and people doing good with their lives.<\/p>\n
So, God, can you help me out here?<\/p>\n
Dear Jenny \u2014 you are appreciating and loving all the things you see.\u00a0 You are not doing anything to hurt anybody, you are not hiding your pain through addiction or abuse of someone else.\u00a0 You are doing your best to make the world a better place.\u00a0 You are not judging or criticizing anyone.\u00a0 Just as you are, you are holding a vision of a world that works for everyone.\u00a0 None of this is trivial.\u00a0 Without doing anything more, you are making a big difference in the world.<\/em><\/p>\n (the next day)<\/p>\n “Blessed Lord Jesus have mercy on me.” \u00a0Repeating that helped me get out of bed.\u00a0 Everything\u2019s covered with snow, about an inch.\u00a0 Lots of birds coming to the feeders.\u00a0 Karen said that I am still grieving, that I have good reason to feel sad and tired.\u00a0 I think I was hoping I was out of it, having one good day when I was comfortable with my life gave me the illusion I could stay that way.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019m even making myself wrong \u2014 \u201cOK, you\u2019ve felt sorry for yourself for long enough, now it\u2019s time to move on.\u201d\u00a0 No.\u00a0 I want to honor the loss of Bella \u2014 she brought brightness and humor to my day, she loved me and I loved her.\u00a0 And I need to honor the rest of my losses, so many, and many that I never mourned properly because I trivialized them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in Hunger Mountain Co-op in Montpelier, before I see Karen for a therapy appointment) Still struggling with depression.\u00a0 Mostly OK as I drove over, but it\u2019s a grim grey day.\u00a0 I realized I don\u2019t see any people, I see … Continue reading