This morning I just didn\u2019t want to go on.\u00a0 I felt bad about dumping my negativity on my good friend Elizabeth \u2014 we always talk on Tuesday morning, and she has been a tremendous support for me \u2014 in spite of that, I still felt bad but didn\u2019t know what else to do other than tell her the truth.\u00a0 I started crying as soon as I heard her voice.\u00a0 I read her yesterday\u2019s post, and while I was reading I realized that I had pushed myself to do things on Saturday, and again yesterday.\u00a0 In the morning I had pushed myself to complete numerous small errands \u2014 cash check, get stamps, etc.\u00a0 In the afternoon I pushed myself to walk alone, going up to the Rte 3 hiking trail which didn’t have a lot of memories of Bella.\u00a0 I started out walking fast, determined to get to the halfway mark \u2014 after all, I had done it last week with a friend.\u00a0 Turns out it was a bad idea.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t keep it up, I turned back at Skogumchuk Brook, and I started feeling nauseous.<\/p>\n
While telling Elizabeth about all this, I cried a lot.\u00a0 Elizabeth said there was a storm passing through and I should just let myself precipitate, which made me laugh, and was also permission to cry as much as I needed to. \u00a0When I finally stopped, she said that I didn\u2019t sound like a person who didn\u2019t want to live, I sounded like a person who was tired and alone.\u00a0 She validated that the experiences I had the last few days were difficult.\u00a0 She spoke very eloquently about what it is that I do when I\u2019m teaching circle dance, which made me accept the possibility that I might be doing something valuable.\u00a0 She said I have the skills to create and give birth to an experience for the circle of dancers.\u00a0 As my therapists have often pointed out, if I can do it easily, I don\u2019t value it.<\/p>\n
I reminded her of her wonderful letter<\/a> when she told me I was \u201cgenerous, committed, and visionary.\u201d\u00a0 She sent it to me in 2005, and forced me to start revising my image of myself.\u00a0 Later I started creating a document that contained all my good experiences, and all the good things people had said to me about myself.\u00a0 I called it \u201cResource\u201d because a \u201cresource\u201d in Somatic Experiencing is something that makes you feel more calm and steady and centered.\u00a0 So I told Elizabeth that it was probably time for me to go back and read my \u201cResource Notebook<\/a>,\u201d and she said \u201cYou are so persevering.\u201d\u00a0 I started to cry because that was just what I\u2019d been judging myself as not being.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This morning I just didn\u2019t want to go on.\u00a0 I felt bad about dumping my negativity on my good friend Elizabeth \u2014 we always talk on Tuesday morning, and she has been a tremendous support for me \u2014 in spite … Continue reading