I haven\u2019t posted much to the blog in a long time.\u00a0 Bella\u2019s dying and death were difficult and full of conflict, complicated by the older traumas they triggered.\u00a0 It was hard to write when I was depressed.\u00a0 A lot of energy went into taking care of Bella, and finding support people for myself.\u00a0 A lot of daily chores, like dealing with the mail, and personal care things, like doing laundry and washing my hair, got pushed to the end of the list.\u00a0 I also spent a lot of time working on puzzles and playing solitaire, hoping that that distraction for my neocortex would help me integrate the losses.\u00a0 Typing journal into the computer really got difficult when I got to the week she died.\u00a0 I usually try to stay no more than a month behind.\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u2014 Who cares about this?\u00a0 What\u2019s the point of going on?\u00a0 \u2014 \u00a0 Those questions have come up a lot recently.\u00a0 We even sang a hymn (written in 1988) that expressed doubt about god.\u00a0 \u201cThe poor suffer, the rich thrive \u2026 Is god alive?\u00a0 Does god care?\u201d\u00a0 It really expressed how I was feeling.<\/p>\n
Barry\u2019s sermon today was on strength and persistence.\u00a0 Stories from the Bible, and from people he knows, who persisted and used strength to get what they want.\u00a0 Makes me feel lazy and weak and guilty.\u00a0 Clearly I think I should be pushing myself harder to \u201cget things done.\u201d\u00a0 And I\u2019m not doing it.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t pushed myself to walk alone, I haven\u2019t pushed myself to sort out mail or balance my checkbook.\u00a0 I have<\/span> pushed myself to keep calling friends for help.\u00a0 I did<\/span> push myself yesterday to see Pat \u2014 which was a mixed bag \u2014 and to drive to Lyndonville to do \u201cBreak the Chain.\u201d That felt good but I only got to do it once and was intimidated by all the stylish women with high heels and makeup.<\/p>\n Pat is a good friend, she\u2019s very supportive and I feel safe with her.\u00a0 But she talked about \u201cdisciplining herself to get things done,\u201d and she also talked about how easy cooking can be.\u00a0 Unfortunately, those particular issues are very difficult for me.\u00a0 I suspect my difficulty is related to my trauma, but don\u2019t know exactly the mechanism.\u00a0 This makes it hard to validate myself.<\/p>\n I\u2019m seeing that another thing that made yesterday difficult was that I called a friend for help and never heard from her.\u00a0 I wish I weren\u2019t so sensitive to that sort of thing.<\/p>\n Yes, I do think I have used strength and persistence in the service of my healing.\u00a0 What\u2019s confusing is that letting myself rest, letting myself off the hook, not<\/span> pushing myself is also part of my healing.\u00a0 It\u2019s a very tricky balance.<\/p>\n I haven\u2019t posted much to the blog in a long time.\u00a0 Bella\u2019s dying and death were difficult and full of conflict, complicated by the older traumas they triggered.\u00a0 It was hard to write when I was depressed.\u00a0 A lot of … Continue reading