It\u2019s been tough, trying to negotiate this terrain of the ending of my relationship with Bella.\u00a0 It occurs to me that I will continue to have a relationship with her spirit, but I will badly miss the furry object who sits warm against me as I write.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had good days and bad days, and days of low-grade sadness which are the hardest to get through. Karen\u2019s help yesterday allowed me to open this amazing door to self-love.\u00a0 There was a piece of writing in Resource 2009, where I\u2019m listing good things people have told me, that I contemplated publishing and immediately got scared.\u00a0 I told Karen I was afraid people would think I was conceited.\u00a0 Karen said the conceited piece was more in how it was offered, than in the actual words said.\u00a0 It\u2019s also true that mother tried to kill my enthusiasm for sharing things I was excited about.\u00a0 That had nothing to do with \u201cthinking I was so great\u201d which is what mother called it.<\/p>\n
Karen reminded me that it was OK if I could only enjoy something a little.\u00a0 Caryn keeps reminding me to rebuild the resource incrementally.\u00a0 This needs to be a practice, allowing a little bit to be enough.\u00a0 I see that I make it black-and-white \u2014 I have to take it all in, or it\u2019s not good enough.\u00a0 Even a tiny bit \u2014 of resource, of enjoyment, of taking in love \u2014 is good enough.<\/p>\n
There, there, dear.\u00a0 and I put my arms around Jenny to comfort her for a life of such struggle.\u00a0 Some of it she creates herself, but I love her anyway.\u00a0 She was so badly wounded, and she works so hard.\u00a0 God bless her.\u00a0 And I do love her, hugely.\u00a0 Wow.\u00a0 That feels so good.\u00a0 My heart feels relaxed and warm.\u00a0 Yes, dear, you are a good person, who does much good in the world, but that\u2019s not why I love you.\u00a0 I love you because you work so hard to heal, and don’t use your wounding to hurt other people.\u00a0 You long to give the gifts you have, of understanding, and wisdom, and how glorious is the universe that we live in.\u00a0 I wish you had more opportunities to share these good things, and you are doing your best to find\/create them.<\/p>\n
To hold myself in love.\u00a0 What an amazing feeling!\u00a0 I feel both loving and loved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s been tough, trying to negotiate this terrain of the ending of my relationship with Bella.\u00a0 It occurs to me that I will continue to have a relationship with her spirit, but I will badly miss the furry object who … Continue reading