Saturday<\/p>\n
Feeling pretty bummed out.\u00a0 Understanding that part of this is being angry at myself for being depressed again, I try exploring it.<\/p>\n
Take a short step back and I see a person who is depressed so she can\u2019t do anything worthwhile, can\u2019t do anything to make the world a better place.\u00a0 I don\u2019t like her very much.\u00a0 She should try harder.\u00a0 That\u2019s why it\u2019s so hard to feel loving toward myself.\u00a0 She\u2019s not very attractive, not very interesting.\u00a0 That is the truth about how I see myself.\u00a0 It makes me want to cry.<\/p>\n
Take a big<\/span> step back.\u00a0 Here\u2019s this woman.\u00a0 Her depression is rooted in PTSD, it\u2019s not something she chooses.\u00a0 Getting out of depression is a tricky business, it can\u2019t be done by willpower.\u00a0 She works very hard at her practice of being in the present and accepting how she is NOW.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Walking the dog along the river I thought about how I hadn\u2019t been able to find a way to observe myself without judgment.\u00a0 So I let the angry voice talk: \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter with you?\u00a0 You\u2019re just lying around and feeling sorry for yourself and doing nothing worthwhile, nothing that would help make the world a better place.\u00a0 I\u2019m disgusted!\u00a0 You should be doing good for others, thinking about others more than self.\u201d\u00a0 Then I remind myself, as I\u2019ve done before, that this wounded person is herself my task, that my job is to care for her, treat her gently, not try to push her to do things.\u00a0 I once thought that if I\u2019d been given a clear-cut forest, or a polluted river to care for, I would not be angry at the forest or the river.\u00a0 I could feel myself softening, surrendering, being OK with not being able to change myself.\u00a0 I\u2019m finally OK with \u201cdoing nothing,\u201d just being here and accepting what is.<\/p>\n One of the hardest things about depression is that it\u2019s self-reinforcing.\u00a0 Once you start to spiral down, it gains momentum, and whatever skills you might have had for helping yourself disappear in chronic trauma\u2019s loss of the will to live.\u00a0 Intervention is required, by someone outside, someone trusted, like a therapist, or a good friend who knows what you are going through.\u00a0 Most of the things people say to you, trying to help, actually make it worse.\u00a0 \u201cWhy don\u2019t you try X\u2026 or Y\u2026\u201d\u00a0 make me feel like here\u2019s another assignment that I\u2019m failing.\u00a0 Usually I\u2019ve tried X or Y and it didn\u2019t work, actually I\u2019ve tried a huge number of things that didn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n Elizabeth called about 6PM.\u00a0 She was a big help.\u00a0 She understands exactly the place I\u2019m in and she cares about me.\u00a0 She gave me an affirmation:\u00a0 \u201cEven though I\u2019m horribly depressed and can\u2019t get myself out of it, I still deeply love and affirm myself.\u201d<\/p>\n Sunday<\/p>\n Yesterday was tough.\u00a0 I was able to soften toward the wounded baby and then wrote about it hoping to do a blog post.\u00a0 But the energy faded and I went back to feeling myself a worthless blot on the surface of the earth.<\/p>\n This morning Eve called, an old friend and circle dance teacher.\u00a0 She wanted to come visit and dance at Neskaya.\u00a0 Oh thank you God!\u00a0 I went up like a helium balloon, had energy and inspiration for the dance program I had to teach later in the day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Saturday Feeling pretty bummed out.\u00a0 Understanding that part of this is being angry at myself for being depressed again, I try exploring it. Take a short step back and I see a person who is depressed so she can\u2019t do … Continue reading