I\u2019ve been having a very hard time since Bella was diagnosed with bone cancer and not expected to live much longer.\u00a0 A psychic told me the lump was not cancer and I should have it removed.\u00a0 But after a first moment of reprieve and hope, I realized that Bella\u2019s too old (she\u2019s 14) to go through major surgery, and I\u2019m too old and too vulnerable to depression to help her through a difficult convalescence.\u00a0 I would also have had to find another veterinary surgeon and that\u2019s really daunting.<\/p>\n
So I\u2019m doing my best to stay present with myself and my feelings and appreciate Bella as much as I can.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been cycling through the stages of grief: denial, painful grief, depression, and times of being OK and able to appreciate her presence.\u00a0 As I do now, with her curled up next to me on the couch.\u00a0 She\u2019s handling this much better than I am.\u00a0 Her spirits are good, and she moves along gallantly on three legs.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m feeling horrible lonely and badly out of touch with Spirit.\u00a0 I\u2019m really needing contact with people who care about me, and I\u2019m finding it very hard to get in touch with them.<\/p>\n
Because I\u2019m in a lot of pain, I\u2019ve been reading through my \u201cResource\u201d notebook which contains good things that have happened to me, good things I\u2019ve done, good things people have said about me.\u00a0 Came across this passage from August 2009:<\/p>\n
One of the downsides of having a really good week is that the slight amount of discomfort I\u2019m feeling now \u2014 a little sad & scared \u2014 feels like a failure.\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong with me that I couldn\u2019t sustain it when I got there?\u00a0 No, it\u2019s not that I \u201cdid something wrong,\u201d it\u2019s that life has ups & downs.\u00a0 And my practice is: to bring compassion to this woman who is angry at herself for being scared & sad.\u00a0 There there dear, it\u2019s natural to feel scared & sad.\u00a0 So much of your life was spent in futile struggle against the symptoms of PTSD because you were traumatized in infancy and didn\u2019t know what happened.\u00a0 You learned to make yourself wrong for being terrified and depressed so much of the time.\u00a0 Dear, you are truly a bodhisattva who chose this lifetime for the purpose of healing.\u00a0 That means all of your work on yourself is worthwhile, even the techniques that failed to help because they were designed for more ordinary lives, not for PTSD.\u00a0 You have learned to be more and more compassionate, toward yourself and toward others.\u00a0 None of your work has been wasted.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
This is helpful because it puts my grief for Bella in perspective with the losses and pains of my whole life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve been having a very hard time since Bella was diagnosed with bone cancer and not expected to live much longer.\u00a0 A psychic told me the lump was not cancer and I should have it removed.\u00a0 But after a first … Continue reading