I\u2019m finding it fascinating that there are so many passages in 2005 that resonate for me now: the loss and grief and pain, the depth of the wound that\u2019s been opened, the way the meaning drains out of my life.\u00a0 I can see that I\u2019m so much better now, how quickly I recover, how clear I\u2019m able to be that this pain is not about the person who triggered it, it\u2019s about the wounding that smashed my life at the very beginning.<\/p>\n
(Written in November 2005)<\/p>\n
A visit with Eleanor, my friend who also lives with PTSD.\u00a0 I told her about my struggles with the issue of being \u201cgrateful for the gift of life.\u201d I said it made me angry because the \u201cgift\u201d had come to me smashed and I\u2019d spent my whole life trying to mend it.\u00a0 She said she felt the same way.<\/p>\n
Read through this whole notebook yesterday & today.\u00a0 It covers a HUGE passage from pain about David to feeling much better about my life.\u00a0 Talking with Eleanor about not being able to feel \u201cgrateful for our lives\u201d, I see that we have taken on a greater task than just incarnating on the planet.\u00a0 We are here to try to turn the suicidal momentum of Industrial Western Civilization, and the only way to do that is to go straight to the root of it which is the abused, traumatized psyche.\u00a0 So we had to be abused, so that we could work on healing the abuse in our own bodies and minds because that\u2019s the only place where we really have the power to heal.\u00a0 Everything else: working to save the ANWR, or clean up a river, or recycle garbage, is just working to support a natural process from the outside.\u00a0 The healing we do within<\/span> is what really changes the human energy field.<\/p>\n I’m in a place of knowing \u2014knowing that my work at Neskaya is important, knowing that I love Eleanor, knowing that my creativity is what will keep me out of depression \u2014 but I don’t feel<\/span> any of this.\u00a0 It\u2019s like my heart is defended.\u00a0 Defended and held up by walls of\u00a0 \u00a0 what? \u00a0 Knowing, I guess, solid intellectual knowing, so I won\u2019t collapse like I did last Wednesday, but I\u2019m also not in touch with the part of me that\u2019s so lost, so far away.\u00a0 How does that feel in my body?\u00a0 Actually, it\u2019s the container I felt with Brad: my body\u2014 arms, legs, torso, is warm and solid and alive \u2014 and my heart is tight and cold and numb.\u00a0 And that\u2019s how it is at the moment.\u00a0 I can live with this only because I\u2019m sure it\u2019s not forever.<\/p>\n A sense of deep gratitude to my body for being able to hold me in this way.<\/p>\n Brad was my Somatic Experiencing practitioner for about a year. \u00a0He was \u00a0very good, but alas, he moved to California and never came back.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I\u2019m finding it fascinating that there are so many passages in 2005 that resonate for me now: the loss and grief and pain, the depth of the wound that\u2019s been opened, the way the meaning drains out of my life.\u00a0 … Continue reading