One of the hardest things about depression is the way it drives the cycle deeper.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been watching myself slide deeper into depression over the last week.\u00a0 I know that part of it is associated with the holidays, I know that there are many people out there who are having a hard time.\u00a0 Images and stories of people having fun together make us aware of how our own lives fall short.\u00a0 For those of us who grew up in alcoholic and abusive families, our memories of the holidays are darkened by pain.\u00a0 Even when you manage to have a really good time, as we did over the solstice weekend, there\u2019s always a let down.<\/p>\n
We celebrated the Winter Solstice at Neskaya with dancing and ceremony, then Saturday and Sunday, we had our \u201cBeginning of the World Party.\u201d\u00a0 There were old friends and new, lots of good food, dancing and celebration. There were rituals for letting go of what you didn\u2019t want and naming what you did want.\u00a0 It was an enjoyable weekend, and one which contained depth, we were aware of the larger cycles we are a part of, and connected with our ancestors.\u00a0 But after a good weekend like that, I nearly always crash.<\/p>\n
This time was tough.\u00a0 I got some positive feedback on Monday which helped, but a difficult conversation with a good friend on Christmas Day brought me down.\u00a0 Looking back, I see that I was already badly depressed but in denial of it.\u00a0 So I went into defense mode \u2014 talking very fast and refusing to deal with negative subjects.\u00a0 Then I had a row of empty days, and the friends I usually call on for help were either away visiting family or had family here.\u00a0 Being alone, I just didn\u2019t have energy for anything.\u00a0 So I haven\u2019t been getting enough exercise, and I haven\u2019t been eating well.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t feel hungry.\u00a0 Not eating enough, not getting enough exercise has the effect of lowering my energy, which makes it even harder to eat well and get outside.\u00a0 So I\u2019m in a place where it takes all I\u2019ve got just to prepare food and wash dishes.\u00a0 At least I know I\u2019ve been in worse depressions.\u00a0 But at the moment,\u00a0 I can\u2019t imagine what I could do to bring myself out of it.\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling defeated, hopeless and helpless.\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly how someone feels when they\u2019ve been traumatized.\u00a0 I\u2019m also, at some deep level, angry at myself for not being able to make the effort to get myself out of this.\u00a0 That doesn\u2019t help.<\/p>\n
The paradox is that trying to get rid of depression doesn’t work.\u00a0 Trying to overcome depression doesn’t work.\u00a0 What does work is acceptance and compassion.\u00a0 Right now, “accepting” depression means accepting that I won’t be able to get out of it.\u00a0 I can’t find any compassion for myself, I’m so mad at myself.\u00a0 sigh.<\/p>\n
I go back to Bruce Levine, back to the passages I wrote down because I found them so helpful.\u00a0 Bruce Levine on “choice.”<\/a>\u00a0 “Surviving America’s Depression Epidemic.”<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One of the hardest things about depression is the way it drives the cycle deeper.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been watching myself slide deeper into depression over the last week.\u00a0 I know that part of it is associated with the holidays, I know … Continue reading