(Written in October 2003)
\nO god I feel so hopeless at this moment.\u00a0 I think if I could just lay down my head and die I might do it \u2014 but no, that\u2019s not what I want.\u00a0 What I want is a break from the endless hanging out with depression.\u00a0 Well, I got a break last night \u2014 I was too tired to do anything with it after yoga but cobble together a supper and read.\u00a0 And I\u2019m being able to \u201cbe with\u201d depression, grief, and despair in a different way than in the past.\u00a0 I have a lot more patience.\u00a0 And I have faith that it\u2019s possible to come through this to some place of transformation.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t know how long it will take, or whether I will manage it in this lifetime.\u00a0 I\u2019m also afraid that the best I\u2019ll be able to do is like yesterday: having both the beauty of nature and the most awful pain and feeling very alive.<\/p>\n
The pain in my heart is so great \u2014 there\u2019s something about this deep level that\u2019s so difficult.\u00a0 I suppose because I\u2019m so practiced at making myself wrong and turning away from this kind of pain.
\nDid my best to sit and breathe with it for 20 minutes.\u00a0 It\u2019s very painful.\u00a0 I understand better why people will do anything \u2014 keep busy, drink, abuse children \u2014 to avoid feeling this kind of pain.\u00a0 I think this is the \u201csoft spot\u201d that Pema Chodron talks about.\u00a0 It\u2019s like an unhealed wound.\u00a0 Part of the pain is the vulnerability \u2014 too open and sensitive, feeling only cold hostility or indifference \u2014 desperately wanting to be safe and warm and comforted and not seeing any possibility of that.<\/p>\n
While walking I tried to look at my sense of despair.\u00a0 It\u2019s not that there isn\u2019t a spiritual dimension to the universe, it\u2019s that there is a spiritual dimension but it\u2019s cold and impersonal, and if I don\u2019t do things right I\u2019ll be doomed to be this miserable for the rest of my life.\u00a0 I have to figure out the \u201cright thing\u201d because there is no help or guidance or support, and if I don\u2019t have the skills or am too weak to hold up then too bad for me.\u00a0 Well, I can see this as a description of my family of origin \u2014 where there was a lot of invalidation and neglect, no compassion, no warmth and tenderness \u2014 this is not how the universe really is, this is the environment I grew up in.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in October 2003) O god I feel so hopeless at this moment.\u00a0 I think if I could just lay down my head and die I might do it \u2014 but no, that\u2019s not what I want.\u00a0 What I want … Continue reading